Half Hero - Half Man

Set me free

On a lazy Sunday afternoon, I had all the time in the world to sit and contemplate what my mistakes are.

Over-think, I do.
Punish myself more than anyone else ever could, I do.
Find answers, I often do.

Today's over-analysis involved trying to understand how giving too much and living for someone else and not yourself could possibly be a bad thing. No matter how progressive the society we live in, women are told to live for their husbands or their careers or their children or all three at once. One thing I know we are not openly encouraged to do is to live for ourselves.

There is a haunting pain that shadows me daily. Some moments are blocked by distraction or entertainment. Some days I punch a volleyball so hard in the hope that I will tire it out and it will recede. Nah, it doesn't.

It is impossible you see, to run from yourself. When it is your existence that causes you to ache then continuing to exist means learning to harness that hum and use it for something else. For me, that is creativity. Slapping paint on a canvas and over some of the floor. Drawing a character that escapes my imagination and filling in outside the lines. Writing a morbid tale of reflective inner sadness is my way of putting it outside myself. Saying to that pain, if you are going to stay around then at least be useful in some way.

As far as I can see, me and my pain are on this journey together. One day we may part ways but while we are here there has to be some way to live with each other.

Unlike my failed marriage, one of us can not run away and think only of ourselves. Unlike my past broken friendships, one of us will not walk out and tell the other that they can't be bothered by them anymore. Unlike leaving a job you agonise about attending when you roll over in the morning, there is no peaceful resignation.

Life gives you one of those suck-it-up moments. Tame the beast or allow it to break you. Trust me, if I didn't allow that monster of a husband to break me then I'm sure not letting some negative thought tear me limb from limb.

You guys have to let me write my suicidal fiction and paint my horned demons without fret. Let me explore the darkness in search of the light. Support me if I fall and celebrate me when I don't.

I know it is only because you love me. I love you dearly too. You are my foundation. My family and friends. I will be ok but I will do it my way. That is Damana.

Happy Mother's Day

This year, it was hard to decide if a I should get Mum a cake or a bouquet of flowers for Mother's Day.

I got my friend Maria to make her a bouquet of cake.

It's an amazing art. Mum loves it.

Picasso paints with light

In 1949, Picasso painted in light for Life magazine. I've never seen the pictures before. They are beautiful and look just like his art. I had to share it.

Distrubing window display

There is a shop that sells textiles (I think) in Surry Hills called Bird. A few nights ago, I walked passed it and was quite thrown by it's window display. It makes me not want to go in there at all, ever.

Hand on my burning heart

My latest painting. It is naive. I painted it very late on the night of Wednesday the 18th of March - a life changing night for me.

Yes I Can!

Yes I Can!

Kettle Haiku

kettle red so red
with all the funky options
click boil steam boil click

Famous Last Words

The last thing Giles said to me was "You never were that someone for me". I took those words and deconstructed them and painted them on to three panels. The negative words are on the red panel. If you throw them away then you get the green panels with a nice sentence.

The reason I paint is to put the words outside of me and no longer keep them inside. I really like this set :)

Latest painting

Acrylics on canvas paper. It absorbs too much paint for my liking but is a good medium to practice on before committing to canvas.

Her Sadness

Unfortunately, my camera is not the greatest and it's made the colours too light and bubbly. It's much darker in real life. I like the rocks in this one. Not sure what to do with the face yet or maybe nothing at all.

Cupcakes Painting

As suggested by a friend, I have painted a picture of the other great love in my life - Cupcakes.

My latest paintings

I have been painting a lot in the last few months. It's going up and down. I'm not sure what I want to paint so I'm trying lots of ideas. Mainly what catches my eye at the time. Getting fine lines has been the biggest challenge. Working with metallic paints has been the greatest joy.

Painting is something I really enjoy and will keep doing. Hopefully it will improve :)

Night view from our window

Lotus flower and palm leaf

Champagne party

Burning Heart

Turtle Disaster

Meta Photography

If you've followed my blog for a while or even for only a few months then you will know that I like to take pictures of everything. Of late, that has not been the case. It all started when G got his brand spanking new camera. It's slightly better than mine and produces pictures that make my old IXUS 40 look like a 1930s folding camera.

You should check out G's photos because they are awesome. It's also nice to appear in some photos once in a while.

As for my photos, they will continue here and on flickr :)

Why paint cats

Since receiving an easel for my birthday from G, I've been painting a lot more. My painting is more for me than others but I wanted to share it here for my friends and family members who have asked what I'm painting.

I paint cats a lot because there are around and such good subjects - sitting still and staring at me. Mixing colours is my latest challenge and I'm trying lots of different things at the moment to discover where colours come from and how to represent light.

This allows me to use a different part of my brain than I do every day. It's also lovely to have an idea and create something tangible. So different to my usual work output.

We Saw Edward Again

Photo by @nai used under a Creative Commons license

Months ago, I impulse bought tickets to a modern dance performance of one of my favourite romantic movies of all time - Edward Scissorhands. As a teenager, I went to see the movie because Johnny Depp was in it but then became a massive fan of all things Tim Burton. To be honest, my first Burton movie was Beetle Juice and that rocked my world too.

With the same concerns that I have heard voiced by others, I went along to the performance at the Sydney Opera House hoping that it would still work without Johnny Depp, Winona Ryder and Tim Burton.

The story had been changed slightly but did not ruin the flow in any way. It stayed true to the original telling in spirit. Don't worry, the changes were tiny and surely had a lot of do with the medium of dance and everything happening on one stage.

There was dancing and a really damn good score along with amazing props, costumes and performers. Only one slow moment brought me back to reality. It was the ice skating on rollerblades which I blame Eurovision for. Ice skating just does not work in story telling or European pop contests, even if they do win. The rest was very very very entertaining and heartbreaking.

I don't recommend seeing any other live performance - dance, music, opera, bands, whatever - until you see this. It is the best show I have seen in a long time and didn't disappoint in any way.

Go see Edward. We did. He's going well.

Big Shopping

There are giant shopping bags on show in Martin Place, Sydney. At night they are lit up and the effect is awesome. It gets me imaging what you'd buy to fill them up. Maybe a car.

Standing and staring at walls

Today it rained in Sydney. Not heavy. More in a relaxed Saturday way. It started sunny but headed the dull way as G and I walked through the park, where they are setting up the Festival First Night as part of the Festival of Sydney.

We were on our way to the Art Gallery of NSW that is well known as the home of the Archibald Prize. It's a building we walk by often on our regular walks through the gardens and the Domain. After Julian told me it is one of the top ten places you must visit in Sydney according to some random guide book, I thought "who am I to argue with a top ten list?" and decided to pay it a visit.

G and I spent a good 3 hours there, starting with lunch in the cafe and then casing the whole joint except for the not so appealing serious looking English portraits with ugly gold frames. We'll save that for next time.

The highlight for me, in their great collection was a painting by surrealist James Gleeson called The Arrival of Implacable Gifts. I'm not sure if photos are allowed but after standing in front of it and bending my head and twisting and turning, I decided that I'd frustrate other viewers less if I simply stole a shot and moved on. At the shop we searched for a print but only found a postcard which I bought. It's really worth going just to see this painting.

The Arrival of Implacable Gifts

The other artist who I found amazing was Jeffrey Smart. I scored a mounted print of Central Station in Sydney and a few postcards of his. He's a modernist who concentrates on urban landscapes. He wanted to be an architect but ended up studying art. I enjoyed reading that although his art has been called surreal, he argues that it is the world that he depicts that is surreal. I agree with that :)