It's all about Gummi Bears

I've changed my phone number again. Yes, that is twice in a month. Before that, I had the same mobile number for almost 7 years.

Optus was actually a great help with this service. They were understanding and helpful. They didn't charge me the $55 fee that I was expecting, even though they told me that the next time would cost me. I guess they are reasonable when they discovered the number was leaked without my consent.

Why the change to my one unique identifier? Why the rush to the gates of anonymity? Some may even be wondering why they haven't received the latest incarnation of my ten digit name.

The reason is that I'm guarding this one with my life. Most folks email or DM me so I texted my number to the last few people who I have texted. If you do feel the need to call or text me then do send me an online message and I'll hook you up.

Hopefully, life will settle down and I'll stop bouncing here and there and everywhere.

They removed gullible from the dictionary

I over-analyse stuff. I know, it's a shocking revelation but I thought you all should know :o)

On Friday just gone, I was confronted with a lot of anger and abuse. It was odd to interact with someone with so much rage inside their soul. It seems to be what propels some people through life and another one of those things that I will have to accept but never truly understand.

As with most conundrums, I sat and contemplated what makes a person swing in to irate rage. What happened to them to allow the festering anger and ultimate explosion? What broke them so much that hurting themselves and everyone around them is an option?

To me it comes down to something I was told by this person. That I am gullible.

Now, that's not that far from the truth. I do have a tendency to expect only the best in people and then allow them to prove me wrong, if they must. This has resulted in a happy life filled with amazing individuals who I think I have helped be who they are in some small way by accepting them for who they are. The downside is that when someone a lot more cunning and deceitful than I walks in to the room, I go up and pat the cute little sheep ignoring it's big wolf-like fangs.

With age comes wrinkles and with wrinkles come wisdom. Although my approach is the same and the bad dudes do don their woolly exteriors and stalk me, I now know when to see this is happening and get myself out of that situation before anything bad happens.

There are some things about ourselves that we can not change but we can learn to counter their negative effects, if they occur.

I was luckier than a lot of people. I grew up in a world where I was taught to believe that anything is possible. That if I applied myself and followed my dreams, that they would materialise. This has not been disproven yet. A world where failure was a bump in the road and always a learning experience. Situation gave context but never definition to life.

Imagine the opposite. Imagine growing up in the world where you learn that your lot in life is allocated at birth and that nothing is yours unless it is granted by someone else. Imagine seeing yourself as who you are and not who you could be. Imagine failure confirming your worst impressions of yourself. That is a sad world.

When I see someone who is angry and stuck in a rut. I don't pity them or ridicule them. Instead, I try to understand how it must be to walk a day in their shoes. Their angry, tight, unchanging shoes.

Invisible Idiot

There is a computing joke about a guy giving a demonstration of a language translation application that can translate anything to and from different languages. He chooses to translate the phrase "Out of sight, out of mind" from English to Chinese and back again. The result is "Invisible Idiot". The computer took "Out of sight" to mean "Invisible" and "Out of mind" to mean "Idiot". Together, the original meaning is lost but we are left with a literal and logical translation.

This is how I now refer to my ex. He is out of sight and out of mind and that means that my trigger for my depression is no longer present in my life. Happiness abounds and there are no regrets. Life moves forward and upward, with me smiling and blowing kisses the whole time.

A few days ago, he decided I should be the first person to know that he was moving to Chicago with Thoughtworks. Two years after leaving, he thought I would be thrilled for him? Celebrate his success? Honestly, I'm glad when anyone does well at their job. Good for him. I still don't think I am the person to tell about it.

A friend pointed out to me that men will often leave their life long partners and go out in the world and re-sow their wild oats. They'll find friends to party with, women to kiss and a freedom like they forgot they could ever have. Then a few years down the track, the party slows down a little and those people who supported you in your breakup go back to giving you some of their time but not all of it all the time, as they did when you needed them. The women they had short term relationships with or a few months of whatever, start to bore them and they move on. The job they spend hours on starts to be a job again and dedicating non-stop time to it isn't as liberating as it once felt.

Then one day, he gets the biggest news of his career. He is stoked. He wants to share it. The first person he calls is that person that he used to share all his moments with. The woman who would squeal at the end of the phone and do a little dance, in shared excitement. The person who would demand they go out and celebrate or bring home a bottle of French champagne and talk of nothing else but the thrill of the achievement.

But too bad. She is no longer that person. She has friends, family and her own person to share life with now. She doesn't miss him. She doesn't feel any real thrill at hearing his achievement. She is actually a little surprised when she sees the caller ID on her phone.

Where was I again? Oh yeah, hypothesising.

You can not walk out of someone's life in such a destructive way and believe that two years later she will be waiting for your call and be thrilled to hear your news.

Remember how you said I had to move on. Right back atchya, my old love.

You're an invisible idiot.

Confusion for One

AF: What happened? I thought he loved you.
DM: I thought so too.
AF: I guess everyone but he knows.
DM: I guess.

Recover

Imagine if everything you ever did in your life amounted to nothing because for 6 months of your time on Earth negated it all.

At the beginning of last year, I was the sickest I have ever been in my life. If I'm granted no other wish while I live, may I have this one. The wish that I will never see as dark a time and feel as much pain in my soul as I did then.

Through it all, I tried to hang on to my work. Ines told me to work through it and that would help me focus and deal. Lindsay said that anti-depressants would take the edge off and I would then be able to cope. In the end, it was my mother who was right. She gave me a place to go and rest where my existence was peaceful and my soul had the time it needed to heal.

Coming back to Sydney has taken a strength that I never truly thought that I possessed. For all the years since I learned to read, I have lived in books with magical tales of amazing people who faced struggles that none of us would surely survive and they damn well survived them. My path to 2009 was quite a tranquil one. Life went as planned by my parents and then my ruling husband and I plodded along it sublimely happy.

Then reality struck. The hardships that I only read of came to visit. They stayed as unwelcome visitors and would not leave me. In the end, I packed up all my belongings and went away to the one home I knew I would always have. Over the last 9 months in Darwin, I have tried and failed and tried and succeeded and then tried and failed again. There was a point I reached when I realised that it was time to go and try again but in Sydney. Oh Sydney, the place where I did not only fail but watched the life I had wash down a vomit filled Surry Hills drain. There was no way in hell that I was going to let the past defeat me... to scare me away from the life I want and the way I wish to be. Who I am, I guess.

Today marks one week back in my old stomping grounds. In this manic city, it feels like a life time has passed in only 7 days. I've succeeded, celebrated, rejoiced, cried, been picked up, loved, hated, ignored, kicked and finally failed.

The option of running back to Darwin has entered my mind. Will I ever get a job and a chance to work again in this town? Will people forgive me for the horror that was my last six months living in Sydney, last year? Will anyone ever understand how hard it is to try again when you know you stuffed up big time?

If your life has fallen apart, really really fallen apart at one stage in your existence then you will understand what I am saying. All I want is a chance. A chance to stand on over a decade of proving I am a great engineer and a good person. A chance to make up for the time when I could hardly find the strength to get out of bed.

The problem with this world is that we are all pretending that we are ok. A lot of people aren't. I am one of the few lucky people to say that I have had the chance to truly get to know myself and like who I am. I'm not pretending to be ok because the truth is, I'm pretty damn well. Life will kick and trip me but I will persist. One day, I will be back at my best. That day is not far away.

The people - be they friends; employers; strangers; or whoever I meet - who give me a chance now will benefit from the even more amazing person I will be when I fully hit my stride again.

Those who choose not to take a chance and turn away are going to miss out. Life is there for the taking but it belongs to those of us who risk appearing ok and actually strive to be better than that.

On the cusp of this difficult week of adjustment and the good week that lies ahead, I will keep going on in a positive direction. Upward and onwards.

Stick around.

Mum and the Shoe

Mum: "Mana, I used your shoe."

Me: "Just one shoe?"

Mum: "Well that's all I needed to kill the spider."