Now you're just somebody that I used to know

There is a song bouncing off the walls at the moment by Gotye called Somebody that I used to know. My need to listen to it over and over again comes late at night at that time when it takes clenching teeth to keep my eyes open.

I was sitting at my work desk on the 22nd of September wondering what I'd forgotten to do. Did I miss someone's birthday? Did I have an appointment for a pedi or a massage? Was there a bill due?

I forgot it again. Even after toughening myself up a couple of weeks in advance for what would have been my fifth wedding anniversary or our 14th year together, I still forgot.

Right now, that seems to be a good thing but I can't lie. When I did remember, it ached. Ached through my entire body. Skin, organs, limbs and the split ends lying on the floor of my hairdresser's floor.

There may always be a pain there... where he used to be. Even now he's just somebody that I used to know.

Tick Tocks

There are not too many things in life that are a certainty.

I do know for sure that time will pass. It always does. Things will change and we will be taken on the ride no matter how much we protest. Accepting this does not mean surrendering to it.

When I look back on life, there is no year that I would rather go back and live again. Every new day is better than the last and ever birthday marks the end of an amazing year of life and starts the new journey around the sun. This is not about optimism. It's about acceptance.

Acceptance is also the last stage of grief. We go through all the rest and come to the point of peace when we can say that we accept that what is... just is.

Today I deleted my photos of Giles from my phone and anywhere that I may run in to them, while going about my daily business.

Most of my posts hold a photo at the start but in honour of this moment, there will not be one. Instead consider it the absence of the pictures of Giles. The acceptance that what is lost, is lost forever and new paths must be walked.

I can hear them talking in the real world

When I used to hear the word "recovery", I thought of heroin addicts and eating disorders. Rehab is glamorous because if the rich are famous are doing it then it must be cool. In reality, as with all reality, it is hard and takes a long damn time. It is a process of escaping a weight that holds you down. People speak of their demons but until you have met your own, you can not truly understand the horrors that you own mind can create.

I always update you on my recovery and give you a number that represents my position on the positive number line towards better. That number is a percentage. It is a slight guesstimate and is based on a vibe... be it an educated vibe. After all, who knows me better than me?

Now that my friends is a brilliant question that we should all ask ourselves.

Who knows me better than I know myself?

In my case, answering that question last night helped me escape a dark bottomless pit of despair and self-loathing. It is funny that sometimes admitting that we are not as self-aware as we believe ourselves to be can be a freeing idea. A liberation from the punishment of believing that we could have done that better or controlled ourselves in a better way. If we see that some days we are just reactionary lizard brained fools who respond to stimulus then maybe we can forgive ourselves for our mistakes. At best, even learn from them.

There are several people who know me well. I can count them on one hand. Assuming the hand belongs to someone with the normal number of digits who has not been in any chopping accidents. Axioms aside. I spent most of my adult life so far with my ex-husband. He is a smart man and one who knows very well how to push my buttons. Usually, that meant we could cheer each other up or show the required empathy. Not once did I imagine he would turn that all around on me and treat me as he had others who crossed him.

He left. You all know the story. Damana wasn't kind enough or loving enough or self-sacrificing enough so Giles walked out. It happens. People break up all the time. A few of my friends are almost considered professionals at it :o) Thing is, he knew how to push my buttons. Since I moved on and dated other people and learned to enjoy my life, he has popped up now and then to remind me that he still knows me, controls me and ultimately owns me.

Yesterday, he joined Thoughtworks. As you all know, I loved working at Thoughtworks. It was heartbreaking to see them agree to hire the man who terrorised me for the last two years of our marriage and broke me down until I nearly took my own life. I figure for them it is a matter of money and hiring people who can make it for them. He'll do that.

I knew why he chose to work there of all the places in Sydney. He always laughed at Thoughtworkers and called them people-pleasing puppies who could talk technical but had no "real knowledge'. Whatever. I had respect for my colleagues. Why he's joined a group he referred to as a cult now, is something only he can explain.

Last night, I cried. It hurt to the point that I was physically numb due to overwhelming sadness. I played volleyball and then came home and rocked in the fetal position. Then I asked myself "Is this me? Who knows me the best? Dammit! It's me." He may have been able to push down and control the old Damana who thought love was pain and that all the things he told me about myself were true but he can't push this one around.

With that one thought, every bit of numbness and then pain left my soul. He can hurt me. It will pass. I will be stronger and happy again. He will still be him. That is punishment enough.

All in all, I was feeling pretty rubbish for around 4 hours. Then I recovered and I feel more motivated to be me. After all, I'd suck at being anyone else. Accept Angelina Jolie. If I was reborn as her then I'd be awesome. Off topic again. Focus.

Where am I now?

Last time I was 61%. Today, I am a confident and glamorous 69%. Hehehe yes, it's rude but you know me by now and I'm cheeky. Tis my thang :o)

Thanks for all the support. You have been on this journey with me. I hope I have or will help you as much as you have helped me.

Muwah!

No, it didn't work

People told me "Damana, in a year or so you will look back on your time with Giles and remember the good times but you would have moved on. You will see it as a good thing."

It's more than a year now. I try not to calculate exactly the number of days. He felt out of love with me two years before he even left. That was 5 months after we were married. He was the one who wanted to get married.

So he's off now with his new girlfriend called Nadia, who looks like a lovely person. Someone I would even be friends with. She's thin. Flat stomach. Straight hair. White. Not anything like me.

I know that if someone doesn't love you then you are better off without them but I don't feel better off. I still feel heartbroken. I still feel devastated. I still cry myself to sleep. I still hope he thinks of me at all.

This has to end, right? It can't be this way forever. I don't want to feel like this anymore.

Hand on my burning heart

My latest painting. It is naive. I painted it very late on the night of Wednesday the 18th of March - a life changing night for me.

He loved me once

From Damana

I regret nothing! :)

Pursue

At some point you just have to give up all hope. You have to realise you are pathetic to believe that someone loves you when they don't call, don't text, don't email and don't care.

Maybe he's just not that in to you. Deal with it.

Time to move on.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

Hey you kids, get off my lawn!

The invitation said the dress code was: Hobo Chic

The birthday boy

It was a recessionista party in honour of the 30 year old birthday boy and the very hard to avoid Global Financial Crisis. So the hobos turned up to the party and drank champagne while eating canapes, made by the chef in the kitchen and served by the very good waiters. Rather than looking at this as a little insensitive of the times, we'd rather aimed for irony.

The chocolate, siena and gold balloons decorated the room while posters saying "We want to be citizens, no transients" covered the walls. A projector displayed huge images from The Great Depression on the walls. More pictures from the night are on Giles' flickr page.

I went more for chic than hobo

Meta Photography

If you've followed my blog for a while or even for only a few months then you will know that I like to take pictures of everything. Of late, that has not been the case. It all started when G got his brand spanking new camera. It's slightly better than mine and produces pictures that make my old IXUS 40 look like a 1930s folding camera.

You should check out G's photos because they are awesome. It's also nice to appear in some photos once in a while.

As for my photos, they will continue here and on flickr :)

More than meets the eye

Joe (a guy at work) and I are the biggest Transformers fans in the whole wide bCode, if not the world. He bought Optimus Prime from ebay and brought him to work so that I'd stop asking him to bring the toy to work. It took me a while but I got him transformed, except for his head popping up.

It was kinda sad that all the guys around me kept telling me to give it to them and asking why it was taking me so long. That whole testosterone stupidity always confuses me, no matter how long I work with blokes. They also don't even truly care about OP and probably wouldn't prefer him as Prime Minister as Joe and I would.

Either way, with the mean remarks or not, I had lots of fun so thanks Joe!!!

Partially transformed so you can see his legs on a truck

Fully transformed with Joe's help

Me + OP

Night Juggling

Giles must have been a computational linguist in his past life because he juggles like a clown. These photos were taken after I gave Giles a unicycle and luminescent juggling balls.


Try scrolling really fast and watch the balls being juggled.

Holding all 3

2 in the air

All 3 in the air

Catching

Green + Red

Juggling the glow in the dark balls with the flash on

Can you see them?

Action shot

Mid-air