They will look for me

I have often wondered how I person gets up and walks out of the lives of everyone they know and love.

How do you just leave and never contact them again? How do you leave them wandering where you are and how you are? How do you cut all ties?

Now, I find it hard to see this as just black and white.

Recently, I have wanted to get up one morning and say bye as usual and then leave. Leave, never to be seen again. Go somewhere far far far far away. Somewhere that nobody knows me. No one takes a second look. Start all over again. Be nothing to anyone. Disappear. No longer be me.

Some days, I just wish it was quiet.

Journeys

The J part of the ENTJ that Myers Briggs indicates is my thinking preference, says that I am a person who is more about the destination than the journey.

Maybe I should sit down and re-test myself and see if this still applies. These days, I think life is more about the journey than the destination. The point of termination simply gives me a focus.

Being pretty good with my depression now means that I need a new self-project. For me, that means improving something in my life. Getting it to a standard that I find acceptable.

With depression, I took treatment very seriously. I did all the things that I was advised to do. Instead of simply letting it run it's course, I forced it through to a quick end. Held it down with my knee in it's back and it's hand in a wrist lock, until it submitted to my happiness.

So, what does a Mana do when all the doing is done? She finds a new self-project. Another way to improve her life and her contribution to the world around her.

For me, that new journey is getting physically healthy. It's not about being thin or a supermodel but more about having that energy I once had. Having that zest for life. Having that easy breath.

Expect to see a few posts about my progress. This is day one of many. "Enjoy this trip... and it is a trip."

The Truth Hurts but It Will Set You Free

There was a time when I could blame depression and all sorts of other things for the fact that I am over-weight. A BMI of 30 is not good for anyone.

I can talk about personality and inner beauty but once you are over 30 years old, you need to keep healthy.

Yes, I had a recent break-up with a guy who told me the truth about how fat I am. It hurt and I can't say I like him much for it but like all things in life, I take it as a lesson that I should learn from.

Suzi Edwards once said that you get to an age where you choose your bum or your face. I want to choose both.

Being healthy in my mind, makes me want to be healthy in all other ways.

So, today I am 75kg. I'm aiming for 70kg, at first.

Encourage me. Love me. Tell me it is possible. Don't let me forget that life is too important to waste on a large pack of fries with gravy.


PS I can lose weight but he will still be an asshole.