Thursday 24 September 2009

You're so vain, you probably think this post is about you

"There are certain people who come into your life, and leave a mark… their place in your heart is tender; a bruise of longing, a pulse of unfinished business. just hearing their names pushes and pulls at you in a hundred ways, and when you try to define those hundred ways, describe them even to yourself, words are useless."

--- Sara Zarr

Friday 18 September 2009

How do I repair it?

Lately, I've been finding out exactly what it means to make decisions for myself. I've been uncompromising and driven by the idea that what I decide affects me and therefore is all about me.

Slight flaw there: "My" decisions have been slaying friends here and there. It's like those scenes in old Dr Livingston movies where the man with the funny round hat is slashing through the jungle with a machete.

It's as if I have gone from one extreme to the other and in the process lost all that I gained. There must be some compromise. I can change the way I make decisions from now on and consider all the consequences. The future can be different.

What I wonder now is how and if I can fix those things that have been damaged. Are words like "sorry" enough or do I need actions to negate the harm? I honestly don't know.


Wednesday 16 September 2009

If only you understood it

“ some way, the quiet terror of severe depression never entirely passes once you’ve experienced it. It hovers behind the scenes, placated temporarily by medication and renewed energy, waiting to slither back in, unnoticed by others. It sits in the space behind your eyes, making its presence felt even in those moments when other, lighter matters are at the forefront of your mind. It tugs at you, keeping you from ever being fully at ease. Worst of all, it honours no season and respects no calendar; it arrives precisely when it feels like it.”

-- Daphne Merkin on her forty year battle with depression