Thursday 13 September 2012


A lot of people are new to my life and they don't know anything more than the smiley faced girl with the tendency to talk too loud, talk about the awesomeness of cats and giggle at life often.

I wasn't always her.

I am here today because people asked me if I was OK and cared enough to listen.

That is not an exaggeration. In fact, it is such an understatement that I should really explain it.

This blog exists to explain it and to document a journey through the depths of depression that left me without solid memories of a time that although I'd rather forget, I know remembering will stop from happening again.

One day, if you get a chance, take a read. Between early 2009 and late 2011, my black dog held on and didn't let go. It is no longer dominant but it will always be here.

Without the kindness of my family, my friends and sometimes complete strangers online and in person, nothing of me would remain. Kind and gentle words are all your need to take someone from believing no one cares to knowing there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Some people were quite actively unkind. Some were unfeeling, without empathy. Some told me to hide it and never speak its name. Some were fair weather friends. They don't matter now, though it shattered me at the time. Apathy or avoidance of the temporarily weak means that they lost someone who came through the cloud as a strong, wonderful, happy and understanding person.

Writing what I wrote and the comments I got online and in real life, showed me that I was not only in what seemed like a lonely struggle to not drown in everyday life. A lot of people experience the same thing and like having cancer, it is not a choice that you can just unchoose.

On the recommendation of a friend, I took photos of myself and events in my life and recorded them publically on flickr. The transformation in that time from opaque sadness to true honest happiness is visible. The events of my life that I recorded and have little to no memory of because of the effects of my deep clinical depression are there for me to form memories around now, now that I am ok.