Tuesday 26 October 2010

I've got this theory

Most of my brilliant or completely insane moments start with the line "I've got this theory..." and this shall be one of them. I will let you judge it.

Some people are so angry.

This is a waste of energy.

If you are going to be angry in the vicinity of me then I am not interested. Life is far to short to waste it on negative thoughts and energy. Be mad for a second and then let it go and move on.

Smile :o)

Tigger has the right attitude to life

"Excuse me a moment, but there's something climbing up your table," and with one loud Worraworraworraworraworra he jumped at the end of the tablecloth, pulled it to the ground, wrapped himself up in it three times, rolled to the other end of the room, and, after a terrible struggle, got his head into the daylight again, and said cheerfully: "Have I won?"

Monday 18 October 2010

My New Superpowers

When you think nothing else could go wrong, something does. If you cry then it's going to get you even more than it just did. If you stand outside yourself and look at it then you can often have a big laugh. These things give the best stories. I'm sure you'll read a post in the future that laughs even harder at this.

Do you all remember Spiderman? He was bitten by a radioactive spider and it made him so crazy he kissed Kirsten Dunst? Poor guy.

And then there are people who are bitten by a wolf and end up having excessive facial hair issues and the major grumps once a month. Not unlike a few women I know. Now there will be a picture of a half naked Taylor Lautner, for no real reason. Oh yeah, he was a werewolf in that Twilight movie.

Well, you know how I was not supposed to walk around much on that broken foot of mine? This rule was just enforced by a pesky little arachnid.

I don't know what the little bastard looked like but I'd say the picture above is pretty close from what I remember.

Brilliant me decided to take a street parallel to Bourke St, in order to avoid people. I am not all that Paris Hilton today. I have been wearing around thongs (flip flops for the Americans) to be nice to my broken foot. I stepped over a pile of rubbish that looked like what used to be an office chair or ninja training ground. It was easy enough to avoid but did push me towards a fence and a pile of old leaves and other outdoorsy type materials.

That is where my friend, apparently a wolf spider, lay in wait. They are super shy but he may have heard about my recent unkind words towards introverts because he stuck his evil little fangs in to the side-ish bottom-bit of my left foot.

It didn't exactly hurt straight away. It was more like a little prick. Then it got very painful and incredibly itchy. It's not deadly poisonous to humans because we are so damn big but it hurts and is swollen. The doctors at St Vincent's cleaned up the bite and gave me antibiotics. Apparently, it could get infected and... oh good, all those horrible urban legends of spider bites come to mind. Quick, change the topic.

I'm lying on the couch. Am supposed to ice the foot once in a while. That helps the swelling. I have a plaster over the bite and it looks like a mosquito bite with more lumpiness.

Who knows what will happen next? I don't think I've read a comic book with enough information to help me deal with being a Spiderwoman Werewolf Superchick. Maybe I'll end up kissing Kirsten Dunst like flat chested women and then biting their faces off.

That is a superpower being used for good, right?

You Want Some Advice?

No one else can advise you on what you have to do as a depressed person, to recover from the funk you are in beit passing or constant. You have to find that balance or focus or whatever it is, yourself. You are not alone though. People will help you. Other people do understand you. You must talk to them and sometimes let them talk to you.

For me, a realisation dawned last night that made me feel much better than I have in a long time. I did not beat myself up or think horrible things about myself. The words "useless" and "abandoned" didn't enter my mind at all until thinking of writing this blog. It's not because I somehow realised they weren't true. Of course they aren't. That's the depression pushing the painful thoughts to the front and burying the positive ones in a black sticky ooze at the back of my brain.

This realisation was that I have to stop thinking I am selfish and actually be selfish. Most of my day is spent trying to work out how the hell I can make everyone else feel better about having to put up with me. How taxing I am on all those around me. How it is a matter of time before they all leave me and I am abandoned and alone.

Screw it. If it happens, it happens. If they leave, I make new friends. If there are no more people in the world left to be my friends, I'll get a damn dog. If the dog leaves, I'll get a fish. If the fish jumps on to the carpet and commits ritual suicide rather than be with me then I'll start Internet dating.

See! There is always some kind of alternative when fit hits the shan. People come and people go. They call me all sorts of stuff and most of the time they are right, at least with the information they have. I can't think of them at the moment. When I'm strong and able to stand alone without rocking then I'll start prioritising others. For now, it's work and me. Work so that I can afford the time to look after me.

Me. Me. Me.

For once in my life, I'm going to stop joking about only thinking of me and do it.

See you all on the other side of this "getting better crap". Or, see none of you. Whatev...

I will not die an unlived life

"I will not die an unlived life.
I will not live in fear
of falling or catching fire.
I choose to inhabit my days,
to allow my living to open me,
to make me less afraid,
more accessible;
to loosen my heart
until it becomes a wing,
a torch, a promise.
I choose to risk my significance,
to live so that which came to me as seed
goes to the next as blossom,
and that which came to me as blossom,
goes on as fruit."

--Dawna Markova

Sunday 17 October 2010


Smile though your heart is aching;
Smile even though it's breaking.
When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by.
If you smile through your fear and sorrow,
Smile and maybe tomorrow,
You'll see the sun come shining through for you.

Light up your face with gladness,
Hide every trace of sadness.
Although a tear may be ever so near,
That's the time you must keep on trying,
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile,
If you just smile.

That's the time you must keep on trying,
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile.

Saturday 16 October 2010

Tonight I told my mother

People don't actually understand what it's like to be mentally sick. They don't understand that it's not as easy as it seems. Some days I try so hard to be normal that I have to go home and sleep for 4 hours just to recover. Other days I sit on the floor and cry. Some days I explode and kick at the world. Push everyone away. Fall apart. Those days are fewer and far between and I recover faster. All I can do is survive and live every day until the days are easy to live :)


I accept responsibility for everything that has gone wrong in my life.


I'm going to be honest with you. If you get no other consistency from me, you will always have my honesty.

Last night was a good night and an awful night. It started well with arrangements to see almost all my favourite people in Sydney. It ended badly when I lost it with four of my best friends and told them I could not be friends with them anymore.

I'm a drama queen on my calmest of days and with only a little provocation. Late last night, I was a bloody diva on steroids.

What triggered it all was finding out that these four people had regularly seen my ex at outings and never ever said a word to me about it. They had all decided that it was best to not tell me because it would just upset me. Damn right it upsets me but not because they hang with my ex. It upset me because it showed that none of them thought me strong enough for them to be honest with me.

I am a honest person. I love that all those people out there are protecting me from myself and acknowledging fragility on my part but the truth is that I am doing ok.

So I hate that my ex husband went and joined my old workplace of two years and now jetsets around the world drinking and working with people who I introduced him to. It upsets me that he comes across to the world as the reasonable one and I am the wild crazy bitch.

We were together for over a decade. We were married. When he told me he was leaving me, he stayed six more weeks before he moved out. In that time, he systematically broke me down so that I would not have any self worth by the time he left. My family and close friends at the time saw this. They picked me up and stayed with me when I was not allowed to be on my own at all. When I was a danger to myself.

So yes, I do not like that man but to be honest he simply does not matter anymore. There is no scenario in the world where I would welcome him back in to my life as even a friend. He knows that. I know that.

So I cut off four of my best mates. Along with Rob's silence and their absence, I am all alone again. I'm tough though. I've got my family still. There is this online place that has people I can't see. I will continue to blog for them.

What happens next? I do what Mum taught me: Pick yourself up, brush yourself off and move on.

Sunday 10 October 2010

Earthquakes and Lightning

It's been almost a week since I moved in to my new place on Cat Alley in Surry Hills. It is called that because it is a no through road heaven for it's 14+ feline inhabitants and two dogs. There is a woman who yells at bike riders, fast drivers and kids on scooters to not run over the animals. It's a short cut for runners trying to stay off the main roads. People wander up and down looking at the award winning gardens that make the place look like a small lane in an English hamlet.

At 34 years old, this is the first place I have ever lived on my own. I chose it. I am in the process of furnishing it. It is all mine. There is not one thing in this place that holds the scent or memory of my past life. There is no sign of Giles or Rob or any of those things that are what I call "then". It is only now and the future and that is refreshing, freeing and terrifying, all at the same time.

The other day, I opened the door in a very Cameron Diaz Spiderman underwear in Charlies Angel scene to a smiling plumber who apologised for waking me but thanked me for making his day. It is fun to be able to dance around the house or use only candles for light or watch movies until 3am and not annoy anyone else. I don't have to excuse myself or ask permission or worry about lying normally in a bed. It is finally my life in my place and I can do any damn thing I want. That's very liberating. It's also a little funny.

There are some things that are odd, in that they don't feel quite right. If I hear a sound then I worry that I'm here on my own and only know three kinds of martial arts. See that warning potential stalker jerk. Sometimes I want to tell someone something that has just happened and made me giggle until gingerbeer came out my nose. At least I have Twitter for that. There are no cats. They will be coming down in a few weeks. Oh, I so miss my kittehs.

Last year, I had different friends; different men; different furniture; different priorities; and many different issues. Now that is pretty much cleared up, I can start moving in to the rediscovery of my career and work out how the hell this living alone thing works.

I will let you know how I go. Just know that I'm very happy at the moment. There are those episodes of grumpiness or too much self-analysis but all in all, life is good. No, it's damn good.

Thanks, Universe. Muwah!

Friday 8 October 2010

HTFU Princess

"HTFU Princess" is the abbreviated way of saying "Harden The Fuck Up Princess" when someone is whinging about something.

Yesterday, it was the cool thing to say "R U OK?" because that was theme for the day. As you can tell, I feel a little bit of contempt for some of these depression awareness days. Of course, it is for people without depression to remind themselves not to be complete thoughtless shits to those around them suffering depression.

Trust me, not all depressed people are as vocal and bloody ranty as me. There is at least one person around you who regularly suffers from it. While you are sitting there discussing work issues at a meeting or over a coffee with friends, they will be fighting off the idea that they could end all this misery if they took a cab ride to The Gap (suicide point) and just walked off the edge.

Those are the ones who feel destructive inwardly, like me. There are others who think only of hurting the world around them in anyway they can. They are men and women. They are young and old. They are alone in their heads, taunted by their brain chemistry.

So you guys have your one day a year when you ask if your mates are ok and then you go on to pink ribbon day or feed the starving kids day. It eases your middle class guilt. It lets the liberals believe they are so empathic and in touch with the real lives of those less fortunate.

I know this because I was like that. I was you. I thought I understood and empathised and cared and showed support. Damn, I was wrong.

If you give a shit about people around you then ask "are you ok?" every single time you see them and listen to the answer. It won't always be "yes, darling I'm brilliant". One day, that silent miserable soul will tell you the truth AND it won't be on International Give A Shit Day.

Walk more than one day in their shoes. They have to. I'd not wish it upon a single one of you to go through what I have experienced in the last year and a bit. Not even on my worst enemy or my ex-husband.

Next time you tell me to HTFU Princess, I'll laugh hysterically at you. I'm much stronger than you EVERY SINGLE DAY.

Saturday 2 October 2010


Ummm, excuse me.

My friend Megan (aka @Gabfran) described me as a people observer. It wasn't until that moment that I thought of it that way. Having grown up a maths geek and transforming in to a fluttering computing geek, I have spent most of my life not really understanding what other people think.

There is a disconnect between me and the next person. Thanks to my mother's repeated teachings to myself and my siblings about putting yourself in other people's shoes, I have a good amount of empathy and an addiction to shoes. Having an understanding of people was not something that was innate for me, like it was for my younger sister. Most days, most people were mostly unfathomable to me.

Because of this lack of understanding and like a good little conceptualist, I took it upon myself to look at what was happening and attempt to see the patterns of behaviour. Over time and by about the time I hit my late teens, I had a fairly good model of human behaviour. That does by no means say that I understood or even now understand people. I doubt I ever truly will. What I do know though is how to listen and absorb what is being communicated and understand the meaning and motivation behind the message.

It may sound mechanical, constructed or even insincere but it isn't. People are just a hobby of mine. I often refer to my portfolio of friends and the idea that you can tell more about someone from the people they surround themselves with than from the person themselves. We all wear masks but our treatment of others will often betray us.

“Manners are a sensitive awareness of the feelings of others. If you have that awareness, you have good manners, no matter what fork you use.” -- Emily Post

One thing that bothers me on each visit to my home in Darwin, is the way that people are willing to treat each other. Of course, these people I speak of are the exception and not the rule but they are more common than pandas.

Having worked in my sister's jewellery shop regularly, I have experienced moments where I spoke to someone who entered the shop and got not even eye contact in acknowledgement. At first I thought I'd done something to offend them or had been too forward but on reflection a simple "hello" is hardly toe stomping.

It seems that people with little to no social skills do actually exist. They walk this earth and look just like everybody else. They pay taxes. They breed. They own property and to my peril, they like fashion jewellery too on occasion.

I often used to take this behaviour and other more subtle inhabitations of this as some reflection on my manners or presence. Then it came to pass that no matter how much more considerate, respectful or thoughtful I was, these people never changed. Words like "please", "thank you" and "excuse me" did not exist to them. Other people were and are a disturbance in their life and there is not protocol demanding they be civil so they are not.

“Good manners sometimes means simply putting up with other people's bad manners.” -- H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

Not all is lost though. In my life, as in my work and all interactions, I believe that the most powerful way to change the world is to set a good example yourself. Lead the way through demonstration and consistency. If someone is rude, don't be rude back. Rather be who you are, consistent in your behaviour and respect for others.

I may not know a lot about people but I do know that kindness is like a spark that lights a fire. The way you treat others will bring the same back on you. Kill the bad manners with good manners. You won't save all people but saving people is over-rated. Save yourself. Be someone you can live with. Please.

Thank you.

Friday 1 October 2010

The way it ends

"What makes a man a man? A friend of mine once wondered. Is it his origins? The way he comes to life? I don't think so. It's the choices he makes. Not how he starts things, but how he decides to end them" -- John Myers in Hellboy