I haz for Christmas

If the Shoe Fits

The 12 Shoes of Christmas
Day 1: If the Shoe Fits

This is the first blog post in a series of twelve.

As the end of 2009 approaches, this is surely the time to stop and take it all in. If not now then it will be at a sentimental time in 2010 when I feel all huggy and the vision is a bit blurred.

The title of this post indicates that I will start my reflection of 2009 with a look at what I have had to face about myself. Owning one's flaws, talents and consequences is the most difficult thing to do but nothing will help you grow faster.

Here, I'll discuss My Job of 2009...

Early in the year, I realised that the joy of working at ThoughtWorks was drying up for me. I no longer got the satisfaction I required from work. That was for many reasons. Firstly, jobs with well-known companies often promise the world and then always fall short. Nothing can live up to the expectations you set for them. ThoughtWorks claims to want to change the world but when you get in there, you spend most of your time making more money for already rich investment banks and fighting to build good software in environments that simply won't budge because the momentum of low standards is too hard to resist.

The people at ThoughtWorks were the magic that made each day worth it. Never before and possibly never again, will I get the chance to work with so many brilliant, motivated and insane alphas. Until ThoughtWorks, I did not beleive a team of *all stars* could work well together. I did see it work but it took enormous amounts of ego-wrangling from very talented managers to keep it moving. Don't get me wrong, my mega ego is included in this set.

With big talent comes bloody big egos and I often found myself on a team of people who wanted to direct others to do things and do nothing themselves. My view of software development is more pragmatic and less pure than most of my TW workmates. I would sacrifice some of my ideals if it meant we could get a project delivered. Quality was never one of those ideals to be sacrificed but after a million arguments about gold-plating and the perfect design, I realised that what I think agile software development is and what it eventually became on those teams was not a perfect match. We could spend days discussing things and not build a damn thing. It was a waste of client money and our time. This was the main reason I left ThoughtWorks.

Elitism is the other. There is a famous story inside TW about the Chicago office Away Day. That's the few days the whole office has off together to bond and celebrate their successes. A brilliant idea and one all companies should embrace, in whatever form they can afford. Anyway, the story is that an Away Day t-shirt was printed with the words...

"Just because I'm an elitist doesn't mean you don't suck"

That sums up the attitude of 75% of the ThoughtWorkers I worked with. Smart people who were a little too aware of how awesome they were at their jobs. It made being a consultant hard for them because they felt constantly underappreciated and not listened to. The fact is that people will listen to you not because you are smart but because they trust you. Trust is earned through proof that you can do your job and that you share the same goals as your client. How you get to those goals is negotiable, once you earn that trust.

A lot of people didn't ever get that concept. I once suggest to a junior colleague that he be nice to another team we were working with. My theory was that if you are nice to people then it makes it a lot harder for them to screw you over, since they like you. I meant be genuinely nice. Being fake never works so don't bother. The youngen replied to me with "Damana, that's just evil!"

I'm not perfect. I was convinced a lot of my fellow TWers didn't quite get me. They found me serious and playful; confident and insecure; driven and lazy; friendly and exclusive; and brilliant but totally stupid at times. To be honest, that's me.

I have never learnt more or been pushed harder than when I worked at ThoughtWorks. They made me learn to take feedback - good and bad. The senior management invested so much effort in each employee - pushing us to do more of whatever we did well. They supported Girl Geek Dinners more than any other company and employed more geek girls than any other place I have ever worked (except maybe Fairfax Digital).

The point? I was a ThoughtWorker for two years. That was the best two years of my career so far. It has given me direction and confidence in how good an engineer and consultant I am.

If you ever get to work at a company like ThoughtWorks then don't accept another job. You may end up like me and find you grow in a different direction to it and want to move on but it will change your life, your career and your soul.

New Soul

I'm a new soul, making every possible mistake and loving it!

Fabulous attitude to life

Just another manic Monday

The Bangles got it right when they said "It's just another manic Monday, I wish were Sunday".

We all love weekends. I can't complain about work (at least not at the moment) but I can say that returning after such a long break has resulted in one glowing, neon-signed trigger that kicks my depression in to overdrive and makes me a demon to be around. Or that is how I see it happening... and maybe some other people closer to the bomb.

The weekend comes and goes then I am left feeling refreshed and resilient. The day passes with great productivity and that cherished focus that I have been longing for over the months past. After work, I come home enthusiastic and head for the supermarket to buy food to cook for everyone who will be showing up at the house tonight. Engergised. Powerful. Happy.

Then the crash!!

When it hits around 7:30, it feels like my brain shuts down and refuses to reboot without a blue screen. Then sentences are hard to make. I try to express myself normally but the words I need don't seem to come in to my mind. From there it goes downhill...

When I am in a normal (for Mana) mood, the negative thoughts that enter my mind can be swatted like flies using the tools I've learned through therapy, talking to wise people in my life and reading. These days it is quite hard to get me in to a very negative mood. These moods are usually obviously identified by my tendency to wollow in self-pity.

On Mondays when I've started the day well due to two days of good rest and relaxation, I tend to over-exert myself. This leaves me mentally exhausted and quite unable or unwilling to use the skills I have to fend off negative thoughts. What that means is that I start to fall in to a downward spiral of negativity and self-doubt. I get paranoid that people are going to reject me. It's quite terrifying and brings out the familiar feeling of loneliness that often visits in the down times.

Last night, I lost a very good friend. He can't deal with my moods anymore. Can't blame him. At least I'm more aware that it's happening now, unlike with Giles and Ines.

The only way to fix this is to go to bed as soon as I realise it has started. Unfortunately, that takes a while. It is taking less and less time on each occasion. I make sure I eat something and then find a safe place to sleep.

Next week, my plan is to do nothing on Monday after work. Just sit and relax.

Hopefully, one day Mondays will just be another annoying day and not one that wrecks me.

Clothes Shopping in Darwin

I have money and I want to give it to you.

I'm not sure how much clearer I can be to the clothing shops of Darwin. My hang up and the thing that makes me the most difficult customer is that I want the clothing shops to give me back clothes that don't suck.

This afternoon my mother, cousin and I went in to the _biggest_ mall in Darwin to buy tropical work wear for my first day tomorrow. I gave myself two hours to achieve this and we went on our merry way. On arriving at Casuarina Shopping Centre, I went to the usual shops that would satisfy my needs in Sydney. Even with a willingness to throw money at the shop assistants, there was simply nothing to buy that would suit my needs.

I can see some of the logic behind why there isn't a huge selection. Only the tropical clothes are brought to the NT. Who is going to buy woolen business suits and dress jackets? Of course, I disagree. Sydney gets stinking hot and it still has a huge selection of clothes. My suspicion is that Darwin retail outlets that belong to big chains are disposing of their out of season clothes up here. The kind of arrogance that says no one here really cares about fashion so why bother, is more annoying than any over-pricing or bad service that you get from these shops.

Tomorrow I will attempt to shop in the CBD at lunch time, since I am working in that area.

So far, I have written four emails to different clothing chains saying that they are seriously missing out on money by underestimating their market up here. Of course, my cries will go unheard as the screams of those driven insane by the tropics.

Thank gawd for online shopping... not for clothes but for everything else.

2009 Tweet Cloud for @damana

The three words used the most were: people, love, sydney.

Back to Basics

That's it. Sydney is a closed chapter in my life and I'm moving on to... what should be the next chapter but I'd say it's the sequel to the last book. Maybe it is coming full circle and it ending where it began, in Darwin. Or simply beginning again in the same starting point. Who knows?

What I do know is that my entire body did some sort of full-body physical exhale when I stepped out of the air-conditioned Darwin Airport on to the paved path to the car park. It was a feeling of massive relief mixed with an internal graceful step from one painful situation to an unclear but hopeful future.

Please do stick around to find out what happens next. Find me on Skype at: damanamadden

Keep in touch with me however you prefer to and don't forget me. Damanas do not like to be forgotten :o)

I admit I've been a crappy friend

I posted on Facebook and Twitter today that I wasn't taking shit from anyone else who put me last in their lives. Several friends threw their hands in the air and asked if I realised that I'm one of those people and they found my hypocrisy amusing, to say the least.

Although I like to think I'm pretty honest about what I'm going through in this interesting year of my life, it's possible that I've been sheltering you because I am ashamed of my thoughts and what I feel. Maybe I've been sheltering me because admitting this makes me one of those crazy people.

To be honest, I realised after hearing your sniggers and losing so many friends this year that I would rather be that crazy bitch than that unreliable friend you dumped in 2009.

If you read this blog then you have known me a while. In Darwin, Canberra and the early days in Sydney, I was a good friend to many people. Always there when people needed a laugh, a drink, a shoulder to cry on, someone to bitch with or someone to listen to relationship, work and life problems. This didn't just go for friends. I was there for those I worked with even if they weren't on my team, the geek girls and guys of wherever I worked and friends of friends.

Unfortunately, you are like me and you remember the last interaction we had and not the reason we became friends.

I want to tell you what has made me the most unreliable friend, ex-friend, acquaintance or colleague you've ever known. What changed Damana? Is it this Giles business because people break up all the time and that's no excuse? Is she going to cry "depression" again and aren't we sick of that excuse?

Let me lay it out for you. I went from a functioning member of society with friends, a good work ethic and an ability to answer mobile phones to a person who couldn't even get out of bed in the morning.


Couldn't Get Out of Bed
For 20 months from mid-2007 to early-2009, I could only make it to work for 9/10 days in a fortnight. I'd call in sick, making some excuse and then roll over and go back to sleep. I call it sleep but it was more just lying there paralysed and unable to motivate myself to get out of bed. I wouldn't eat, talk to another soul, get out of bed or even go to the bathroom until Giles came home after work and coaxed me out of bed. Sometimes he had to use strength and drag me out. On weekends, I was not much better. If I woke up on Saturday morning and one negative thought crossed my mind then I stay in bed until Monday morning. There were days when I didn't eat or speak. To say this was taxing on my marriage is an understatement. The fact that Giles left me is not as big a surprise in hindsight. I wouldn't have done it the way he did but I can't say I would have been strong enough for him, if the roles were reversed.

The rest may be out of order but bear with me. This has to be said.

The fix: I tell my mother and people I live with now about all my appointments and ask them to not let me get out of going. Since I am unable to motivate myself, I rely on others... for now anyway. It is working. I also eat breakfast every morning within 30 minutes of waking up. My trainer taught me that. It starts your metabolism off strong and also means I get out of bed because my stomach won't shut up.

Couldn't Answer the Phone
You've all called me and been surprised when I actually answered my mobile. Ask people who knew me in Canberra and they'll swear I was always talking on the damn phone and the easiest person to get hold of if you were up for doing something. In the last 12 months at least, when the mobile rings I feel pure terror. Usually even walking towards the phone is paralysing. First, I stopped answering "Blocked" numbers because I could rationalise that it was probably recruiters or businesses calling. Then I would see the caller Id and pump myself up to answer after 4 or 5 rings. Then I stopped answering and let calls ring out. Then I started hitting decline on every call that came through, even if I'd just SMS'd or called the person and they were returning my initial contact.

This was easy to justify to me. I told myself things like "If it is important then they will call back" or "If it's important they can leave a voicemail" or "This phone is for my convenience and not others". That's all bullshit. It was still easier to lie to myself than to answer the phone. My rapid heart rate and anxiety didn't correlate to any real or proposed threat. It wasn't rational. It wasn't acceptable but it just was how it was.

People realised this about me and started sending me texts to communicate. It's the worst form of communication and resulted in me losing one of my best friends in Sydney, Ines. I'd pulled out of a holiday we planned together and I didn't even have the gutts to tell her to her face or on the phone. Instead I emailed her and texted her. She refused to respond until we actually spoke and I never made the call or answered hers. It ended badly but I ended it. It was me who caused it and there is no excuse that will satisfy a rational person. That's because it was irrational.

Ask Rob Hunter about how I used to hide my head under a pillow rather than look at the caller Id on my phone. He witnessed some of the insanity.

The fix: Each day I promise to answer a phone call from people in my family and inner circle, or call them back straight away. I also call back my employer and real estate agent. You may believe that is easy because there are consequences but ask Amanda Keleher about how impossible I was to contact and the consequences of that. Even now, I don't answer calls from friends. Ask Christie Brown (my second best friend ever) who has called me over and over to organise to go out and she'll tell you I never answer ever. That's the next step, to answer the phone when Christie calls again.

Turning out the lights and hiding
When you came to the door and buzzed my apartment I would turn out the lights and stay away from the windows. The sound of the buzzer sent my cats running upstairs and me to the kitchen where I sat and cried quietly for at least an hour after the person left. Why? I don't know. The thoughts that went through my mind were of someone invading my space unannounced. Of a person seeing that I hadn't put on makeup or showered by 4pm that day and the utter failure I'd present to them. At that time, I honestly thought one of my dearest friends Alice would disown me if she knew I spent day after day in pajamas and didn't take out the garbage.

I used to be happy when it rained because people didn't usually come around on those days or nights. I would be safe usually.

The fix: This was easier. I moved to Darwin where there are so many windows that I can't hide. People know I'm home and they say "hi" as they walk up the driveway. I have simply put myself in a place where I can not hide although you could argue that being in Darwin is hiding too.


Never respond to emails
That was my rule. Actually the rule was don't respond straight away. I read it in a book somewhere that people think you have no life if you do. That was my excuse to simply not reply. At my worst, if anyone asked me a direct question in a personal email then I would delete it and pretend it never existed. The guilt disappeared as soon it was in the trash. Sometimes I deleted the gmail trash dozens of times in a row just to make sure the question was gone forever and I didn't have to answer it.

The fix: I respond within a week and never delete anything. If someone sends me an email then I will make sure I send something back within a week, even if I discuss it face to face and send a follow up summary email. This is working more and more each day.

Depression
Yeah, that word. People get sick of hearing it. They want you to just get over it - move on - suck it up - stop giving excuses. People use the phrase "I'm depressed" in every day life but trust me when I say that severe depression is nothing like you having a bad day or sad moment. It's not caused by my husband leaving me or my cat dying. It is a chemical imbalance that causes us to feel something. As human beings, we like to believe we understand why we do things but ultimately we are dumb animals. When we feel something, we assume it's been caused by something. We think we are reacting. Thing is that with depression, we feel it because our brain simply gets it wrong. Nothing triggered the emotion. It just happened then we attributed a reason to it.

Is any of it rational? Do you even understand what irrational feels like? Once you do then please explain it to me because when I'm acting irrational, it feels completely normal. It's as if to think anything else would be nuts. To anyone watching, it's crazy. To be honest, it is bloody crazy.

The fix: Therapy, Medication and Behavioural Change. That means not drinking like I once did to self-medicate. It means going out for exercise even when I'm so lethargic that the thought of moving tires me. It means committing to take a tablet every single day at the same time for at least 12 months. It means participating in a draining struggle with yourself, against yourself. Not believing the bad thoughts that tell you the world is a better place without you. Not listening to the sadness that leaves you rocking like a baby on a pile of sheets soaked with tears. It means ignoring the belief that you are invisible and no one cares. That if they knew what you thought, they'd have you scheduled. Hoping that saying this now won't see it used against me in the future and that maybe it frees someone else or even gives my friends a reason to wait until I am well.

Give me a chance. That's all I want. If you could see where I was and where I am now then you'd be so proud of me. Yes, it's not your problem and please don't think I expect you to solve it. Just give me a chance to become that amazing woman who you became friends with. She's in here and slowly finding her footing. She'll be a good friend again, like she once was. If not then you can dump her and move on.

If you can't understand or empathise then at least please just accept that it is what it is.

and no one notices

“Sometimes I come crashing down inside myself
without anyone noticing. I’m like an ambulance
on two legs, hauling the patient
inside me to last aid
with the wailing cry of a siren
and people think it’s ordinary speech.”

- Yehuda Amichai

I'm leaving Sydney

I went to look for a picture in iPhoto that would sum up Sydney and there wasn't just one. I guess this blog is the total of it. The happiness, the pain and all the wonderful friends. It's been a beautiful time in my life and one I've used to grow in to who I think I really am.

What you hear is true, I'm leaving Sydney to return home to Darwin.

This was not as hard a decision as I thought. Sydney is not the same as it once was for me. There are many reasons to stay but many many more to go.

To say I will miss you, doesn't really express it enough. I hope you keep reading this blog and find my life just as dramatic and interesting and mundane as ever :)

I'll be around until the end of October.

Juicy Juicing Juice

Summer is coming and it is a time for cold refreshing and healthy drinks.

Lucky me got a juicer for her birthday. I have wanted one forever but it took my best friend to actually get up and get me one. Since the day I unpacked the beast, I have been learning a lot about juicing. Just like anything to do with cooking and taste, it's not as easy as the experts make it look.

The most important difference between a juicer and a blender is that a juicer allows you to efficiently get the liquid from vegetables, as well as fruit. There is no need to add anything but water, if you need the juice diluted a little.

Here is what I have to share on the delicious topic of juicing fruit and vegetables...

This Goes With That

There are so many combinations available to you as you stand in the supermarket, deciding what amber you will create. The thing at this point is to keep it simple. A good juice has three parts to it...

1 fruit base + 1 other fruit + 1 kind of vegetable + an accent = delicious drink

The Fruit Base

There are three kinds of fruit that make for a perfect base to any drink. They produce a lot of juice, are always sweet and are easy to find in any food shops.

orange OR apple OR pear

I have only discovered pear as a base in the last month and it is my favourite. Pear juice isn't that common and that is probably because it discolours very quickly. No one wants to buy brown juice at the shop, I guess. The thing I love about it is that it has a lighter flavour than apple and this means that it wont overpower the other fruit you choose.

Oranges are sweet and very cheap as a base. Navel oranges are fantastic if you want a sweet citrus base. Be careful not to add too much other citrus or you'll regret it.

Apples are always fabulous but can overpower the other fruit and vegetables in the mix. If you are going to use apples then use the big red Snow White type apples or Golden Delicious. I don't usually touch those two types with a ten foot poll but they are the juicing queens. Use fewer apples than you would oranges or pears.

For a 500ml drink, the base should contain either...
3 apples OR 4 oranges OR 5 pears.

One Other Fruit

That one other fruit you choose will be the main flavour of the drink. This is where you get creative. I've tried everything including mangoes, watermelon, rockmelon, kiwi fruit, pineapple and strawberries.

If the fruit doesn't usually feel or taste very juicy then you will need more of it to get enough juice. Strawberries and kiwi fruit don't produce much fruit so I use a lot. Melons and mangoes are insanely wet so you don't need too much of them.

For a 500ml drink, the other fruit should contain either...
1 mango OR 1/4 of a watermelon OR 4 kiwi fruit.

One Kind of Vegetable

Trust me when I tell you this, just because vegetables are healthy does not mean you want them to dominate your drink. Some people love the taste of dirt a whole beetroot will give you but I restrict myself to 1/2. Carrots give a stunning colour and are quite sweet but don't exceed two unless you are part rabbit.

You should always add a vegetable to the mix though. It changes the drink from a sweet pale yellow sugar hit to a palatable smooth health shot.

For a 500ml drink, the one kind of vegetable should contain either...
1/2 a beetroot OR 2 normal carrots OR 1 stick of celery leaves and all.

An Accent

The accent is what makes this a special drink. Lemon, lime, ginger and mint are the choices you have here. This is very much a personal choice but I will give you some of my winning combinations. Think of the base fruit when you pick your accent.

For a 500ml drink, the accent combination can be either...
pear & lemon OR orange & ginger OR apple & lime. Mint goes with melon mixes.

Mix It Up

When the juicer has done it's thing and squeezed the life out of your plant bits, make sure you get a spoon and stir the mix. At this point adding ice and stirring is great to cool the drink down. Keeping your fruit and veg in the fridge can avoid the need for ice.

Don't forget to use the left over pulp in baking, in the compost or for animals that can eat it.

Enjoy your juicing days this summer.


Oh... if you need to, a little vodka from the freezer will make the juice a party drink.

You're so vain, you probably think this post is about you

"There are certain people who come into your life, and leave a mark… their place in your heart is tender; a bruise of longing, a pulse of unfinished business. just hearing their names pushes and pulls at you in a hundred ways, and when you try to define those hundred ways, describe them even to yourself, words are useless."

--- Sara Zarr

How do I repair it?

Lately, I've been finding out exactly what it means to make decisions for myself. I've been uncompromising and driven by the idea that what I decide affects me and therefore is all about me.

Slight flaw there: "My" decisions have been slaying friends here and there. It's like those scenes in old Dr Livingston movies where the man with the funny round hat is slashing through the jungle with a machete.

It's as if I have gone from one extreme to the other and in the process lost all that I gained. There must be some compromise. I can change the way I make decisions from now on and consider all the consequences. The future can be different.

What I wonder now is how and if I can fix those things that have been damaged. Are words like "sorry" enough or do I need actions to negate the harm? I honestly don't know.

Ideas?

If only you understood it

“...in some way, the quiet terror of severe depression never entirely passes once you’ve experienced it. It hovers behind the scenes, placated temporarily by medication and renewed energy, waiting to slither back in, unnoticed by others. It sits in the space behind your eyes, making its presence felt even in those moments when other, lighter matters are at the forefront of your mind. It tugs at you, keeping you from ever being fully at ease. Worst of all, it honours no season and respects no calendar; it arrives precisely when it feels like it.”

-- Daphne Merkin on her forty year battle with depression

Important info for life

19

Things are looking up

Watching the world and the birds go by, with my little friend Siena.

Change

They say a change is a good as a holiday. This time I found that a holiday was as good as change. The only thing was that returning to _normal_ life showed me that I needed something new. Maybe it's a new approach or a new focus. Maybe it's a change of scenery and a new challenge.

Since it's almost Spring in beautiful Sydney, this is the perfect moment for it.

I used to worry when I made decisions that whatever I chose, someone would end up disappointed in me. Now, my only concern is making sure that I'm not disappointed in me.

That is most certainly a change for the better.

There are schemes afoot and adventures to be had. Life is too short to not take chances. Wish me well and forgive me if the choice I made would not have been yours.

Words and Succulents

No one depresses me quite like Ayn Rand

“She stood, in a room of crumbling plaster, pressed to the window-pane, looking up at the unattainable form of everything she loved. She did not know the nature of her loneliness. The only words that named it were: This is not the world I expected.”

- Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged