Have you ever lost someone you love

“Have you ever lost someone you love and wanted one more conversation, one more chance to make up for the time when you thought they would be here forever? If so, then you know you can go your whole life collecting days, and none will outweigh the one you wish you had back.” -- Mitch Albom, For One More Day

Guitars and Garters

Being a girl is a strange thing. Especially when you aren't a normal girl.

You watch the normal girls and they do normal girl things. They plan huge weddings and look good in white and veils while on their daddy's arm. They post pictures of their engagement rings and their pregnant bellies and their babies and you stare and wonder why you don't want to do that.

But you're a girl too.

You like pretty things like very large prime numbers.
You like being in love when they give you space and don't want you to need them.
You liked your parents buying you toys like Lego and chess boards.
You like being looked after when you're feeling sick but you're good otherwise.
You like makeup and clothes but you never think of what the boys will think of them.

But you can construct your own furniture and set up your own amp and serenade yourself with your own guitar playing and open your own jars.

And that is not really welcome in this day and age.

Being a girl is a strange thing. Especially when you aren't a normal girl.

Writing Again

The writing stopped when the reading started. The chaotic reading that consumed every alternative hour. The balance was lost. The loss was missed.

And so it paused and was parked and was mute. I was mute.

It is odd that we have a finite amount of time. Some days that hits me and other days it feels like we have forever. It seems only to be a hard limit when the wall appears in my face while I'm moving at light speed.

It is time for more balance. For some damn balance. For a semblance of balance at the very least.

Lets do that then.

Love, only love

I accept that, happily

Imposing Generosity

Realisations

Stop Walking on Eggshells

Book 60 0f 2015 is Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder by Paul T. Mason and Randi Kreger.

This was a book I read as part of being a hypochondriac who needs to check out every possible diagnosis for any possible symptom.

The book is very much for people dealing with a person with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and not people with BPD. There are no tools for the BP (the name given to one with BPD) but a few for those dealing with a BP.

This highlighted a few things that I had been experiencing and made me take seriously the fallout.

If you do happen to be living with someone you suspect is BPD then this is a good book for getting sympathy and  help.

3 emotional woundings out of 5.

Should I read this? Yes, if you are dealing with a BP.
What did I learn? People are cruel.

Quote - It's all messy

Everywhere

I see you everywhere.

Every bike rider who sweeps passed on the street turns my head. The confident ones, no matter their colour, make me double take to see if it is you.

When my apartment is buzzed, I answer and wait to hear that it is you. It never is. There is a gasp of hope and anticipation and then a thump as my heart is bitch slapped by reality.

You are gone.

That is OK.

I'd rather you be happy.

I lie in bed and close my eyes and imagine you sleeping next to me. With my insomnia, I used to watch you sleep. Your eyelids would flutter and you'd sigh at whatever you were dreaming. I'd kiss you and like the kissing ninja you are, you'd kiss me back mid-sleep as if you saw me coming every time. Those were the moments I spent with you that you didn't spend with me, consciously.

For all the drama and the pain that you caused, I will confirm that it was worth it.

Thank you for the ride of my life. Thank you for the first true love of my life.

I'd change nothing. Nothing.

Now, go do amazing things and know I love you.

Stoopid immune system.

You: A Novel

Book 34 of 2015 is You by Caroline Kepnes.

I read this 432 page book in around 28 hours. Not on a weekend. I started on Sunday night and had to work a full day of work on the Monday. My obsessiveness can only be likened to that of the main character.

It is hard to describe why I couldn't put this book down but I really couldn't. It is a page turner. That could be it's references to all sorts of reading material or the awful references to Dan Brown being good. Who knows? I simply couldn't stop looking at the train wreck.

As someone who has had a stalker break in to my house and take the clothes I'd last slept in, I am a little more alarmed than I ever was. It is hard not to see the world through the eyes of a mostly sane person. This shows you what a stalker is really thinking and oh my gawd, I'm alarmed and not just alert now.

The writing is good. The plot is understandable and crazy as hell. Having fallen deeply in love recently meant that I had felt strong emotions that he echoed. I hope my love isn't that insane. Erotomania is a problem that we dismiss but with the amount of violence against women, we have to take the obsession mixed with entitlement a lot more seriously.

4 delusional assumptions out of 5.

Should I read this? Humans with vaginas should read this.
What did I learn? You have no idea what is in the mind of the person trying to seduce you. Get Mace.

The Tao of Pooh

Book 33 of 2015 is The Tao of Pooh by Benjamin Hoff.

There is nothing to not like about this book. I am even now considering if I'm an existentialist, as I once thought or a Taoist. I do know that I am part Pooh, part Tigger and part Eyore. That's not a bad thing.

5 honey pots out of 5.

Should I read this? You should read this if you like learning about new ways of thinking or you like Winnie the Pooh.
What did I learn? You will learn not to sweat the small things.

Secrets She Left Behind

Book 32 of 2015 is Secrets She Left Behind by Diane Chamberliain.

The funniest thing about reading this book is that I didn't realise it was the second in the Before the Storm series. It stands alone and I didn't even suspect I'd missed a thing starting here. That is a well written series book.

If I'd bothered to read the back of this book rather than go purely off the ratings, I'd not have read it at all. It sounds very dramatic and incestuous and girly but I'd have missed a very good story and one that is written well.

If you want a little teen angst and lioness mothers protecting their young then this is the book. The men who cause all the trouble are sidelined characters and it is more about the way the amazing women and their involuntarily strong children handle the outcome of their lust and bad behaviour. That in itself is a good plot.

This is a good read but don't break it up as much as I did. Read it faster and without three other books going at the same time.

4 half-siblings out of 5.

Should I read this?  You should read this is you feel like your family isn't complex enough to burn down a church.
What did I learn? We all mean well, even if we do things that seem selfish and crazy at the time.

The Fold

Book 31 of 2015 is The Fold by Peter Clines.

This one was an audio book and was narrated by a gentleman called Ray Porter, who has changed my mind about audio books which I am not a huge fan of. He read this so well that I know I would have found it different if I had read it myself. Different and not as good.

Since getting back in to science fiction, I am wondering why I haven't spent more of my life reading it when I obviously love sci-fi TV and movies. This is another one of those books that makes me slap myself for not reading more. This is good on almost every level. There is mystery, science, fantastical creatures and great suspense wrapped in action.

4 space time continua out of 5.


Should I read this? If you like sci-fi then yes.
What did I learn? Sometimes everyone just feels a little out of place in their lives and maybe there is a reason for that.

Looking For Alaska

Book 30 of 2015 is Looking for Alaska by John Green.

He is one of those best selling authors that you always intend to read but are not sure what to expect. This was what I expected. A book written for young adults with the pretense of depth and a whole lot of quotes strung together.

There are audiences for this book, I am sure. They are just not me.

The characters are predictable. The plot is obvious. It is something John Hughes would direct.

This is for young people. Hey you kids, get off my lawn!

3 teenage crushes out of 5.


Should I read this? Only if you are between the ages of 13 and 16 years and haven't embraced the good books your English teachers keep pushing on you.
What did I learn? The trauma experienced by white middle class American kids cannot hold my attention for more than about... oh look, a castle!

The Dragons of Dorcastle

Book 29 of 2015 is The Dragons of Dorcastle by Jack Campbell.

It is the first book in the Pillars of Reality series which I am no considering reading.

It is your typical female engineer not respected in a man's world meets a sensitive boy with no social skills. Yes, I related to that part a little too much.

The writing is simple and effective. The read was not challenging and the story was engaging.

Jack Campbell does not write the in workings of the female mind well and the main female protagonist comes across in a Bella Swan way a few times but she is redeemed by her actions and overall character.

Going back to reading fantasy is always a pleasure but it also reminds me that a lot of fantasy is just Mills & Boon for guys.

3.5 guild wars out of 5.

Should I read this? Yes. I will at least read the next book. If you like fantasy and don't mind a but of a love story with dragons then this is for you.
What did I learn? Geeks and geek dysfunction is so mainstream these days that every day books are portraying that life. I think that is an all-around good thing.

Thief's Magic

Book 28 of 2015 is Thief's Magic by Trudi Canavan.

Ok, this woman is one of my favourite Aussie writers. I loved The Black Magician trilogy. Far too much fantasy is written by men and often feels like a bad porno mixed with Mills & Boon in another dimension where people don't shower often.

Fantasy written by female authors has more dimensions. I'm not being sexist! It really does.

The thing that disappointed me about this is that she is writing a trilogy and not a story. She is doing a Wheel of Time set up that obviously sucks you in but doesn't actually satisfy anything. What I loved about Black Magician was that the story held strong the whole time. You didn't have to finish the journey. You wanted to.

I won't be reading the rest of the books despite my loyalty. It just wasn't good enough. Cut the complexity and got back to good story writing.

Three colliding destinies out of five.

Should I read this? No. There are MUCH better series to get suck in to. This is not even close to one of them.
What did I learn? Your favourite writer can sell out to get richer and that sucks.

Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? (And Other Concerns)

Book 27 of 2015 is Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? (And Other Concerns) by Mindy Kaling.

Another memoir by a celebrity that I have never heard of until picking up this book.

She is endearing and funny but in the same way she says that she doesn't like women infantilizing themselves, she goes right ahead and does it anyway. That kind of sums up the entire book. She comes across as having self awareness and then demonstrates a lack of it.

Yes, she is successful and brilliant but she comes across in writing as a clueless spoiled little rich Indian girl brought up in the US to parents who are doctors.

Her trials are trials or she isn't honest about any pain. There is next to nothing that made this worth the read. Maybe she needs to live a little longer and not write a teeny memoir with no interesting events at age 30 something.

2 spoiled little rich girls out of 5.

Should I read this? No. Try Tina Fey or Amy Poehler's autobiographies first. This women needs to live a little more before trying to write another book. I'm sure she writes comedy well but this doesn't make me want to watch anything she writes. Such a shame because I had high hopes.
What did I learn? You can't make up having had a challenging life when you haven't at all.

Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close

Book 26 of 2015 is Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close by Jonathan Safran Foer.

You can't read this book and not feel immense love for Oscar. He is the 9 year old boy whose story you follow after his father dies in the terrorist attacks for September 11 in New York.

I laughed out loud through this book. I cried while reading this book. I changed a little for having read it.

5 inventions out of 5.

Should I read this? Read this now. Now!
What did I learn? The world is a much more beautiful place through the eyes of a child or an adult in love.

The Girl With All The Gifts

Book 25 of 2015 is The Girl with all the Gifts by M. R. Carey.

This was recommended to me by pretty much everyone I know who reads.

Although this is a genre I like to watch in movies and on TV, it is not one that I really enjoy reading. It usually depresses me. This isn't the cheeriest book but the pace is perfect and the plot twists enough that I was often surprised.

It is hard to talk about this book without ruining it for those who have not read it so I won't.

4 post apocalyptic children out of 5.


Should I read this? Yep, without a doubt.
What did I learn? When the end of civilisation comes, I'd like to end with it.