Saturday 25 June 2011


Today was a mess. Things happened that brought thought. The world turned upside down and then righted itself so fast that it shook a little. Not so much that it knocks you over but enough that it makes you catch your breath.

It is cold here. It is cold everywhere in Australia at the moment. My cold may not be your cold but everyone is wrapped up and in bed tonight.

There was one thing that stood out tonight and it was the realisation that you can put others first but as long as you don't put yourself first, you are robbing everyone of the best you.

No more accepting only what is given. Life is more and I deserve more.

As for those who find me lacking, they can step up or step out because I'm going on without the nay sayers.

Saturday 18 June 2011


Over time and through desperate need, I have learnt to ask for help from people. In time, I have had the ability to give that back... in part. It is humbling each time. It is humiliating sometimes. It is more often than not, quite freeing.

Now there is something that I want to ask but I have not learnt how or when to do it. It often results in huge explosions from me and I shut everything down.

More than anything right now, I want people to leave me alone. Not fix things. Not give advice. Not probe me for insights in to life or pain or the pursuit of happiness. Not for help with some technical issue.

Lightness. Humour. Happiness. Superficiality. These are all fine.

Anything beyond that and I simply can't aid with it. Hopefully this will change but right this instant, I will not be around for the whims of others.

I don't believe you

Wednesday 15 June 2011

Insecure Snowballs

I've seen some crazy stuff in my time but nothing tops the last week. As someone who has learnt how to deal with my stress, I'm always observing those around me and how they cater for a turn in fortune.

The most recent train spotting has resulted in a new form of stress that I call the Insecure Snowball. It happens when someone who isn't very secure in themselves realises that they have been too busy prancing around buying fishing gear and haven't been doing their self-declared-over-inflated-titled job properly.

Their first reaction is to deflect. That's when the first snowflake randomly bounds sideways and knocks in to another one. To explain the initial snowflakes erratic behaviour to the second snowflake, he blames the wind. "What wind?" someone asks. The initial erratic snowflake with delusions of mediocrity screams "the wind that isn't here now because it is easiest to blame". The two scream of their disappointment, when only yesterday the wind was their trusted friend. They float off and deflect sideways suddenly again. Then other snowflakes get bumped in to by the initial snowflake and his friend and they re-tell the tale. Each time the absent wind is to blame.

Reality is inconsequential once the badly done by snowflakes have become a slide down a mountain side. They care not of the consequences of the homes they wreck; the lives they roll and destroy; or the false words they must live with when each individual snowflakes lies in bed at the end of the day and thinks of what kind of snowflake they are. No! It's about riding the wave of insecurity. Deflecting the blame. Running the path of destruction. Never letting on that they did their job wrong in the first place.

The insecure snowflake can cause quite a lot of damage in producing the insecure snowball but shine a little sunshine on them and their insignificance evapourates with the goodness of warmth, blown by an innocent wind.

Sunday 12 June 2011

The perfect support email from a depressed person

This email arrived in my inbox on Friday morning. At the point where I wanted to do nothing more than give up, she showed understanding that no one else had shown me. I hope it helps you to either cope or at least understand how to support someone who really needs it.

Hi Mana,

I understand how you are feeling at the moment, it's like you have lost an anchor and are at the mercy of the whims of other people's moods, comments, and your own ability to handle those at any given time.

I am definitely not going to tell you to toughen up, in my opinion that is just a bandaid solution wrapped in a blanket of denial. Healing takes time. And time, and more time. And when you think you have done all the healing that you can possibly do, some more time on top of that.

I would say I am at the stage where little comments don't hurt me anymore, but I am still definitely at the mercy of my own fragile brain that decides whether I am "okay" or "happy" or "black".

All I can do for you as well is not offer platitudes such as "don't worry, you'll get through it" or "it will be okay".... because I know how un-okay it is, and how hard it is to deal with the day to day sometimes, let alone worrying that you will ever be "through" it.

I think the key for anyone going through tough times, including myself, is to just hold on, breathe, and dont' be afraid to totally shut down and cocoon and protect yourself when you feel fragile. Be fierce with your self-protection. Don't apologise for it, and feel safe talking to people who understand.

Anyway. I hope today is better for you, and that you are protecting yourself while you feel fragile.

Tash x

Friday 10 June 2011

Living for the weekdays

I told a friend this morning about a dream I have. A dream I choose to push up the ladder of importance. A dream that I will honour, despite the fallout from rejected normality.

When I hear people happy that it is Friday, I think of them as having lost the plot. Imagine if you so look forward to Friday because it means you will have two days when you are happy and doing whatever you want. Imagine hanging on for two days a week to release the beast inside and let you canter through what should be the better parts of your life.

I don't want to be a person who looks forward to the weekends. I want to hang out for the weekdays. I want to wake up each morning and be glad that today is today, despite it's closeness to the weekend.

Hump day should only be the days we climb the bell tower and hang off the ropes that ring the dings and dongs across Paris.

This year, I've woken up and gone to work and loved it. I've loved coming home. I've loved weekends. None of it feels forced or endured. Life shouldn't rape you. It should be like making love.

To lose that is unacceptable. I shall chase my weekdays like some of you chase your weekends.

Thursday 2 June 2011

Wednesday 1 June 2011

The best quote about depression I have ever read

“Then there is this: in some way, the quiet terror of severe depression never entirely passes once you’ve experienced it. It hovers behind the scenes, placated temporarily by medication and renewed energy, waiting to slither back in, unnoticed by others. It sits in the space behind your eyes, making its presence felt even in those moments when other, lighter matters are at the forefront of your mind. It tugs at you, keeping you from ever being fully at ease. Worst of all, it honours no season and respects no calendar; it arrives precisely when it feels like it.”

- Daphne Merkin on her forty year battle with depression | Life and style | The Observer

-- via Alice Boxhall

Blow Out

There are lots of things that you don't know about me. I used to play state level netball and basketball when I was in school. It's something I've been doing since I was 9 years old. You know those kids who have great hand-eye co-ordination and extremely good fitness? Yeah, that was me. My sister and I played team sports like netball, basketball, hockey and volleyball. We did individual sports too. We were sprinters and that logically lead to long, triple and high jump.

There weren't any sports that were too difficult.

Netball is the sport that all Australian girls play. Meeting a woman in my age group who doesn't know how to play netball is rare, in this country.

The thing with netball is that it is high impact. The pounding your body takes over a long period of time is quite harsh. Especially if you have an injury. In fact, it is the most violent non-contact sport I've ever played, so injuries are common. One day, I landed very badly on my right leg and blew out my knee. Instead of resting it, I kept playing... for months.

The knee injury got so bad that I got used to limping everywhere and standing with most of my weight on my left leg. Finally, netball gave may to recovery time. Over the years, I get overly optimistic and return to netball. Usually last most of the first season and then the knee gets so aggrevated that I can't walk.

This time, it took two games. Playing volleyball, basketball, walking and running hasn't caused it to flare up but netball did it straight away.

It is time that I admit to myself that netball is a game I once played and not one that my right knee can tolerate anymore. Regardless of fitness, technique or recovery tricks like ice and anti-inflamatories, netball is too high-impact for my poor abused knee.

That sux. Unfortunately what sux more is not being able to walk up and down stairs without agonising pain; not being able to wear anything but flat shoes; and being unable to sleep due to that deep ache that comes from a serious inner knee injury.

Goodbye netball. Hello to more indoor beach volleyball and low impact sports.

Am I officially old now?