Tuesday 31 March 2009

Something I Can Never Have

(nine inch nails)

I still recall the taste of your tears.
Echoing your voice just like the ringing in my ears.
My favorite dreams of you still wash ashore.
Scraping through my head 'till I don't want to sleep anymore.

You make this all go away.
You make this all go away.
I'm down to just one thing.
And I'm starting to scare myself.
You make this all go away.
You make this all go away.
I just want something.
I just want something I can never have

You always were the one to show me how
Back then I couldn't do the things that I can do now.
This thing is slowly taking me apart.
Grey would be the color if I had a heart.

Come on tell me

You make this all go away.
You make this all go away.
I'm down to just one thing.
And I'm starting to scare myself.
You make this all go away.
You make this all go away.
I just want something.
I just want something I can never have

In this place it seems like such a shame.
Though it all looks different now,
I know it's still the same
Everywhere I look you're all I see.
Just a fading fucking reminder of who I used to be.

Come on tell me

You make this all go away.
You make this all go away.
I'm down to just one thing.
And I'm starting to scare myself.
You make this all go away.
You make this all go away.
I just want something.

I just want something I can never have

Friday 27 March 2009

Hand on my burning heart

My latest painting. It is naive. I painted it very late on the night of Wednesday the 18th of March - a life changing night for me.

Yes I Can!

Yes I Can!

The AT-AT as a Pet

If you love Star Wars then you will love this guy and his photos of his new pet AT-AT.

Kettle Haiku

kettle red so red
with all the funky options
click boil steam boil click

Wednesday 25 March 2009

Today is that day

As I sit here and listen to my Dad practice his violin, I remember that little girl who used to lie on her bed and read a book and hear him play so beautifully in another room of my parents house.

She had so much happiness and so many dreams. Anything was possible and everything was probable. There was study and learning all those exciting ideas and concepts. Then the career that she'd excel at and love to wake up to each day. There was a prince who would love her forever as they walked in to the sunset. There were babies and family gatherings. She also knew that there were things she couldn't even imagine but they would be amazing.

Today, not much has changed. I still have those dreams. Some have come to be - like loving my work and learning for life. I still read a book and lie on my bed and dream. My prince never came. My babies are kitties. My family is still here and they gather around. I found more friends than I ever thought I would and they are wonderful.

There are many amazing things to come that I still can't fathom yet. Today I feel like that little girl again and that is a good feeling :o)

Tuesday 24 March 2009

Famous Last Words

The last thing Giles said to me was "You never were that someone for me". I took those words and deconstructed them and painted them on to three panels. The negative words are on the red panel. If you throw them away then you get the green panels with a nice sentence.

The reason I paint is to put the words outside of me and no longer keep them inside. I really like this set :)

Monday 23 March 2009

Foolish Games


You took your coat off and stood in the rain,
You're always crazy like that.
And I watched from my window,
Always felt I was outside looking in on you.
You're always the mysterious one with
Dark eyes and careless hair,
You were fashionably sensitive
But too cool to care.
You stood in my doorway, with nothing to say
Besides some comment on the weather.

Well in case you failed to notice,
In case you failed to see,
This is my heart bleeding before you,
This is me down on my knees, and...

These foolish games are tearing me apart,
And your thoughtless words are breaking my heart.
You're breaking my heart.
You're always brilliant in the morning,
Smoking your cigarettes and talking over coffee.
Your philosophies on art, Baroque moved you.
You loved Mozart and you'd speak of your loved ones
As I clumsily strummed my guitar.
You'd teach me of honest things,
Things that were daring, things that were clean.
Things that knew what an honest dollar did mean.
I hid my soiled hands behind my back.
Somewhere along the line, I must've gone
Off track with you.

Well, excuse me, guess I've mistaken you for somebody else,
Somebody who gave a damn,
Somebody more like myself.

You took your coat off,
Stood in the rain,
You're always crazy like that.

Sunday 22 March 2009

Isn't she lovely?

My new iPhone screen protector is a mirror when the iPhone is not in use. When it is on, you can see the screen as normal. I love it!

Only $10 at most phone shops.


So many ghosts. I see his ghost on the stairs, in the kitchen and even when I roll over at night. He sits in the study on his computer, on the couch he reads, on the buses that pass he waves and smiles and when I call out to him he disappears.

-- Damana

Tuesday 17 March 2009


This was a beautiful day for me and maybe for him. It was only just over 2 years ago. My friends tell me not to look at the pictures because they make me sad. Thing is, they make me happy. Now is what makes me sad.

What does it say about me when after more than a decade, the man you love leaves you and moves on with his life expressing no sadness or anything for the loss?

I keep isolating myself. I keep telling everyone that I'm OK. I keep crying a lot.

I don't know how I got to Santa Monica

I am still living with your ghost
Lonely and dreaming of the west coast
I dont want to be your downtime
I dont want to be your stupid game

With my big black boots and an old suitcase
I do believe Ill find myself a new place
I dont want to be the bad guy
I dont want to do your sleepwalk dance anymore
I just want to see some palm trees
Go and try and shake away this disease

We can live beside the ocean
Leave the fire behind
Swim out past the breakers
Watch the world die

I am still dreaming of your face
Hungry and hollow for all the things you took away

I dont want to be your good time
I dont want to be your fall-back crutch anymore

I'll walk right out into a brand new day
Insane and rising in my own weird way
I dont want to be the bad guy

I dont want to do your sleepwalk dance anymore
I just want to feel some sunshine
I just want to find some place to be alone

We can live beside the ocean
Leave the fire behind
Swim out past the breakers
Watch the world die

Monday 16 March 2009

Sunday 15 March 2009

The Healing Room

(Sinéad O'Connor)

I have a universe inside me
Where I can go and spirit guides me
There I can ask oh any question
I get the answers if I listen
I have a healing room inside me
The loving healers there they feed me
They make me happy with their laughter
They kiss and tell me I'm their daughter
I'm their daughter
They say
You have a little voice inside you
It doesn't matter who you think you may be
You're not free if you don't know me
If you don't know me
See I'm not the lie that lives outside you
And it doesn't matter what
You think you believe
You're not free if you don't know me
If you don't know me
See I am the universe inside you
You come to me and I will guide you
And make you happy with laughter
I joy in seeing you're my daughter
You're my daughter
So believe you're not free if
you don't know me
If you don't know me
If you don't know me
If you don't know me
If you don't know me
If you don't know me

Latest painting

Acrylics on canvas paper. It absorbs too much paint for my liking but is a good medium to practice on before committing to canvas.

My Lowest Point

A friend told me that it's often easier to bounce back from bad times if you hit the very bottom and push off it. For me, that's how I see where I am now. There is only one direction from here and that is up.

Yesterday, it was a dark and stormy night and my taxi on the way to a friend's BBQ skid in to the back of another car. My taxi had bare bald tyres and couldn't stop when the need to break came upon us.

An ambulance ride to hospital, 4 hours in a neck brace, xrays and some morphine resulted in a piddly little diagnoses of whiplash. This morning I woke up from a 12 hour codeine induced healing sleep to a stiff torso and sore shoulders. I'm hoping the sore shoulders mean that I don't have spinal injuries. I do however have a cut on my toe that everyone missed. It keeps bleeding slowly but I've put a few band aids on it and it seems to be slowing down.

After 11 years and 5 months with my husband, he walked out on me. Left me in the middle of a 20 month stretch of depression. I've cried a lot and wondered what would happen next. He's gone and has no intention of trying to save our marriage. He's happy now and moving on without me.

Now it's time to pick myself up and move forward. I'm getting help for the depression. I have the best circle of friends and family, anyone could wish for. I have a great job. I have the ability to do anything in life I chose to do.

What's coming next? Health. Travel. Getting to know Damana. Love. The future.

This should terrify me but the terror is less than expected. I'm excited. I'm surprising myself. I'm looking forward to what comes next. I'm impressed with how strong I am. I am amazing.

Stay tuned to hear about chapter 3 in The Fabulous Life of Damana Belinda Madden. I hope to see you all in the next chapter :)

Bring it!


I have done a lot of baking lately. My latest experiments have been gluten free cupcakes with cream cheese icing and a fake red velvet cake. Apparently a real red velvet cake becomes red due to the kind of chocolate that is used in it. I didn't have that chocolate so followed a recipe that takes a normal chocolate cake and makes it red. That is done through a lot of red food colouring. More than I think I've used all up in my life.

Wednesday 11 March 2009

He loved me once

From Damana

I regret nothing! :)

Adriano Zumbo

There is a magical patissier in Balmain that will make chocolate, flour and sugar dance in your mouth. He is Adriano Zumbo.

On Sunday I took my Dad there. See more pictures here.

I once went in and bought an Agadoo, named after the Black Lace song. It had pineapple in it and I broke in to song. Come on, I couldn't help it :) The woman serving at the counter said "oh thank you, finally! Someone gets it" and she smiled. Apparently I made her day.

It's awesome when that happens - you make someone's day and end up with a pineapple pastry. That does not happen enough.

An hilarious breakup movie

Monday 9 March 2009


At some point you just have to give up all hope. You have to realise you are pathetic to believe that someone loves you when they don't call, don't text, don't email and don't care.

Maybe he's just not that in to you. Deal with it.

Time to move on.

Sunday 8 March 2009

Back Before We Were Brittle

Lyrics to Back Before We Were Brittle :
Hey, remember when we could save kittens from trees? Or lunch on skyscrapers? Bring the villains to their knees? Maybe we should move someplace new, and build time machines to go and get us back. Back before we were brittle. Hey, remember when all of time stood still? And really all you'd need was a peck from her? Maybe we should trade from some physics or black market spines to go and get us back.


My sister and her husband visited for three nights and four days, to help me reorganise and cope with my life after G left me. I thought it would be a sad time with lots of reminiscing but we ended up having a fabulous whirlwind tour of Sydney which included Taronga Zoo, Paddy's Market, Ikea buying and assembling and lots of other adventures. It was fun. They left yesterday. I miss them already and feel quite alone. My Dad is here now so I'll be ok.

My family are awesome!

Trina + Taylor on the Taronga Ferry as we leave Circular Quay

Drinking those brightly coloured drinks made of sago, with beads in them. Mei would be proud :)

Taylor holding a diamond head python. He wants a snake. uck!

The reptile house was the least fun of all

A heartbroken girl shopping at Paddy's Market

Friday 6 March 2009

Sydney Wine Festival

Last weekend, I spent a lovely morning with friends at the Sydney Wine Festival. There was wine tasting made easy with a plastic glass and tokens you could use at any stall. It did convince me that Hunter Valley wines are mostly miss or miss. I will continue to avoid them.

The highlight was the food, with Becasse serving plates of food at very reasonable prices. I also got to meet the cute French chefs and get the complimentary voucher for a glass of sparking the next time I eat there. They did not have to work hard to convince me. I will be visiting my favourite Sydney restaurant again. Getting the chance to sit in the sun and eat their food was a lovely surprise.

This is one event I will go to in the future if I am in Sydney while it is on again.

Thursday 5 March 2009

Bogan Bingo

A couple of weeks ago, I ended up spending a fun Friday evening hanging out with friends and playing Bogan Bingo. No, that's not a judgement. That was the name they called it.

The two hosts had beer guts and mullets (fake apparently) and played bad 80's music while making crass jokes. The food was awful and the table next to us was very drunk but despite this, it was a fun-filled night :) Kelly won a meat tray and we played about 50 games between the 4 of us over 2 hours.

It was enjoyable so I do recommend doing it once but never again for me. Deepest apologies to our Iranian friend who smiled and took it in her stride. Too bad we couldn't tell her that anywhere else in Australia, that would just be normal :)

Nine Inch Nails in Sydney

NIN played in Sydney last week. After 5 songs, all the power went out and we were left only with emergency lighting. I tweeted it straight away and found that so had hundreds of other fans standing in the dark wondering what was going on. The bar was closed at that point. Apparently, they took out the entire block. It took 25 minutes for them to get the power back. They followed that with a quick sound check and then another 90 minutes of fantastic live Nails. It was worth waiting around and I am glad that Jane convinced me to stay.

My friend Kellie and I ended up very close to the front. The pictures don't do our prime spot justice but the inability to hear in my right ear was proof.

They finished with Head Like a Hole and I dedicated that song to me for this point in my life. It suits me just right.

Last time I saw NIN was also at Horden Pavillion at Fox Studios. It was the night I came home and did the coding test for my ThoughtWorks interview. I remember that so well. G and I went to that one. This time was different and awesome. Next time they visit, I'll get closer and go deaf in both ears :)

On the walk home, I came across this sign...

Sunday 1 March 2009

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good.