Thank you for being my friends

This last seven days has seen me lean on my closest friends and on my family to get through the challenges. My support network is amazing and if I don't say it enough: Thank you.

Thank you to Allison Carleton for being my voice of reason and for giving me sanctuary in every storm.

Thank you to Bernarda Maia for never letting me apologise for who I am and always offering to help me bury the bodies.

Thank you to Taylor-Trina Kadiba for being my loyal, loving and always supportive sister. You are my best friend.

Thank you to Candace Wong for making me laugh when I wanted to cry, usually at her but also at myself.

Thank you to Ola Kl for reminding me that I am awesome even when I don't feel like I am. And for making it ok to have You're So Vain as my life soundtrack.

Thank you to Bruce Cartland for tolerating my stupidity and always lifting me up.

Thank you to Evelyn Moreno for showing empathy and letting me be myself.

Thank you to Janet Wong for being endlessly kind and sincerely celebrating and sharing every achievement with me for my entire career.

And although we are not facebook friends, thank you to my boss who kicks my arse at the right times and sits and shows compassion when it counts.

Thanks to everyone else for always being kind. It counts whether it is in cyberspace or meatspace. I am honoured and humbled.

Darwin

My recent denouncement and departure from Darwin was preceded 48 hours earlier by the travel book publisher Lonely Planet recommending the city in the top ten cities in the world to see for 2011.

It spoke of a bustling nightlife; access to an ancient culture and pristine wilderness; and of a city with energy and oomph. Maybe not those exact words but that was the gist of it.

I don't want to sound like my hipster friend Cathie but I liked Darwin before it was cool.


It isn't though. With all feedback, you must take it as input in to your system and weight it with what drove the source to say it, or in this case rank it.

Lonely Planet was the travel book of choice when I was a crumpled, life-in-a-backpack traveling twenty something. It was for those moments when I took a break in my life and on a budget travelled the world in search of people to drink with and adventures to have.

There is no shame in that. Lonely Planet was my $50 travel guide as I saw places I had read of in books or googled while cheating at pub quizzes. It took me beyond the Eiffel Tower and to a lovely wine and cheese stall that allowed me to buy a bottle and some milk products and gaze upon that industrial marvel from a nearby park, while others sweated and stood in a line to be sheared at the top of the lift of the tower, all the while being unable to see the forest for the tourists.

Lonely Planet led me down thousand year old streets to restaurants in dark dodgy parts of town where I was welcomed joyfully and replied in broken language, only to discover the waiter was from Melbourne.

Lonely Planet took me to vending machines that sold beer, ice cream and used school girls knickers and on to restaurants that displayed lacquered food while serving fresh minky on dried seaweed.

Lonely Planet took me everywhere, made me feel safe, slept in bed bug ridden sheets, sat next to me while I was kissed in Paris, was a pillow on trains across the worlds greatest mountain ranges and even silenced a very annoying Irish backpacker when I needed to sleep.

So when my home town is named as a top ten city to see, I may still agree with Paul Keating and say "The best view of Darwin is from 40,000 feet in the air on your way to Paris" but that is my 35 year old self speaking.


There is a reason for the youthful traveller with their unkempt hair and non-Veuve budget to come here. It will give them stories, experiences, tales, memories and heartache for places that are so different to what we grew up with that we take a breath as we survey them and hope that our mum will wire us some money when we blow our last money on a cold local beer.

Insecure Snowballs

I've seen some crazy stuff in my time but nothing tops the last week. As someone who has learnt how to deal with my stress, I'm always observing those around me and how they cater for a turn in fortune.

The most recent train spotting has resulted in a new form of stress that I call the Insecure Snowball. It happens when someone who isn't very secure in themselves realises that they have been too busy prancing around buying fishing gear and haven't been doing their self-declared-over-inflated-titled job properly.

Their first reaction is to deflect. That's when the first snowflake randomly bounds sideways and knocks in to another one. To explain the initial snowflakes erratic behaviour to the second snowflake, he blames the wind. "What wind?" someone asks. The initial erratic snowflake with delusions of mediocrity screams "the wind that isn't here now because it is easiest to blame". The two scream of their disappointment, when only yesterday the wind was their trusted friend. They float off and deflect sideways suddenly again. Then other snowflakes get bumped in to by the initial snowflake and his friend and they re-tell the tale. Each time the absent wind is to blame.

Reality is inconsequential once the badly done by snowflakes have become a slide down a mountain side. They care not of the consequences of the homes they wreck; the lives they roll and destroy; or the false words they must live with when each individual snowflakes lies in bed at the end of the day and thinks of what kind of snowflake they are. No! It's about riding the wave of insecurity. Deflecting the blame. Running the path of destruction. Never letting on that they did their job wrong in the first place.

The insecure snowflake can cause quite a lot of damage in producing the insecure snowball but shine a little sunshine on them and their insignificance evapourates with the goodness of warmth, blown by an innocent wind.

Darwinian Fashion

"Ah, Darwin. It kind of divides into rednecks, yuppies and hippies. Anything outside of that just confuses people." -- my friend Lou


So true. Lou is right, as is often the case. I'm going to stick to confusing them with my Mana-isms and make that my thang. Yes, I said thang.

Get your freak on

As I muddy the waters between depression and recovered, the insights in to what goes on in a depressed person's head abound.

Today is a great example of a day that I would have described as "fragile", before I learnt to cope with the negative thoughts. Instead, I realise my brain is hyper-sensitive to the body language of people around me. It takes a small look and interprets it in the worst way possible.

There was a moment a few years ago in Pitt St Mall when I was bumped by a gigantic handbag that a lady was carrying. She turned back and spoke a sincere sorry. There was no malice. It was an accident and no harm came from it. I walked on to work, one block away in the centre of Sydney CBD. It was a typical work day and the place was full of suits, shoppers and buskers.

Once inside the sanctuary of some huge financial institution, I sprinted for the ladies bathroom. There, I locked myself in a stall and cried like I did the day I was born. Maybe I was gulping for air. Maybe I was lost in the self-torture that convinced me that woman with the bag hated me.

Although irrational, it felt true. I was certain that life could not possibly improve and that I would never recover from her bagging me.

Years have passed since that day. Nothing feels that dire these days. Most things are quite funny and leave me in tears of silliness. They are lighter tears that carry you through a moment that could break a lesser Mana.

Today, I'm dressed in cool comic book tights and a flowing white top proclaiming in black ink and rhinestones, my love for shoes. The knee high velvet black boots complete the outfit with a nice upper cut.

In my usual Surry Hills scene, I'd fit in with all the other people who simply don't. I'd walk passed people and admire their comic book tees or purple suede boots on funky jeans, with great haircuts.

In Darwin, I'm a freak. People stare. Teenage girls mumble "oh my god". Mothers pull their children from my path.

You can't say I fit in here. It's not great to be looked at constantly but I must honour who I am and what I want to express. To blend in to Darwin, like all the others would be like a silent death... a drowning.

Does it hurt when people see me this way? Does it make me angry? Do I withdraw and cry?

Nope. I keep on keeping on.

I plan for the next time when I'll get my freak on.

Katherine Airport

There are some things that are so Territorian that you have to laugh so that you don't cry.

This morning, I heard about the Katherine airport and it's problems with kangaroos. Apparently, they get in the way of planes landing there and cause accidents. Skippy the terrorist.

The Northern Territory is not a state of a Australia so responsibility for it lies in the joint hands of the Commonwealth government and the Northern Territory government. Both like to blame the other for all the things gone wrong in governing and otherwise take the credit for all successes.

All the Katherine Airport needed was to be fenced. Kanagroos are quite easily defeated by fences.

The Australian Federal Government did just that. They had the place fenced.

The thing is that they fenced in a mob of kangaroos that were living there and like the proverbial rabbit, they have gone forth and multiplied. Now there is a huge number of plane endargering marsupial terrorists contained inside the land around the airstrip.

Whose fault is this? Who will fix it?

It's the other government's fault, of course!

Trust Degraded

One of my New Year's Resolution was to be more open to different kinds of people in the world. To not judge and reject people because they failed to meet a set criteria for those I would associate with.

For the last three months, that attitude has seen an array of characters waltz in and out of my life. It has to be said that I have never made a more stupid of harmful resolution in my entire life.

It was a mistake.

I have been used, abused, fooled, embarrassed, humiliated, hurt and brutally re-educated by the lowest forms of life, crawling this pretty enough planet.

Men have told me all I want to hear and then turned on me. Women have gained my trust, only to betray it so easily.

Wow! What a seedy world there is underneathe that one that I inhabit. There be dragons.

Resolutions are a good idea because they give you a new set of rules by which to try new things and reform your life. They don't always work. It's not often they fail so miserably for me but I guess that happens.

My trust has been degraded but I am learning more about myself and the environment around me. Is this a bad thing? Yes and no. It menas I will be less trusting but that is a good thing. Am I learning? Yes and no. Some of the things I am learning suck though and I wish I didn't have to suffer so much to gain the knowledge. Has this changed me for the better? Yes and no. I see that there is so much bad in the world but the contrast has made me appreciate the good.

For the record, this resolution has stopped dead. There will be no more accepting idiots for who they are and thinking they are deep-down good types. Nope, first impressions. Trust my instincts. Be less bleeding heart and more realistic.

Am I boring?

My friend Megan always tells me that when someone says something unkind to you that hurts you, you should always ask yourself why they are saying it. She says this in a sophisticated Scottish accent and always sounds wise.

Truth is that the truth itself can be delivered in a way that does not destroy a person's self image. I have heard people say "there is no positive criticism" but I do not agree with that. There is always something you can learn from criticism. Even if all you learn is that the person giving it is not a nice person.

On Boxing Day last year, I ran in to an old school... acquaintance. Can't say this person was a friend but we got to talking and became friends. There has been two decades between when we initially met and when we met again as adults. In that time, we have traversed very different paths. There is no chance that our lives would ever cross, except for pure chance. When you least expect or even need it, Chance will kick you in the bum.

From the day I can recall recalling anything, I was taught not to judge people. That people are all created equally and that even if you do not agree or understand a point of view, the person expressing it has a right to have it.

As in all theory, there is the painful reality that takes that theory and body slams it to the ground and then jumps in its minivan and backs over it repeatedly.

The mistake I made in my understanding of what I was told was that I thought this meant that everybody was like me. That I should expect from others, the same consideration and decency that I display in my day-to-day life.

Oh deary, what a shock it has been to find that the world is not full of well-meaning Damanas!

The two months since that Boxing Day my newest friend exposed me to what I can only describe as the Underbelly of Darwin life. There are people who spend most of their measly income on drugs and drink. Muscle men who inject illegal steroids through needles with gauges that I've only seen in cartoons. Women who beat other women. Men who were obviously bullied at school and go out almost every night in the hopes of drawing blood or putting someone in hospital. People doing drugs like speed at work. Strippers, enforcers, teenage single mothers to fathers who could be their fathers. Incestuous groups of friends who are confusing the gene pool. Domestic abuse. Oh, so many other disturbing things.

I have been told over and over by such people that I'm a boring person with an office job. I have no edge. I have no street smarts and that makes me dumb. If computers were turned off, I'd die and they would survive because they run this world. That there is nothing smart about spending time finishing school or studying at university. That life is about hardship and looking after number one. Oh, so many other disturbing things.

In the last few weeks, I have stepped away from this world that I am glimpsing through mostly fist covered eyes. I've seen the basic survival of these people. Their inability to want any more than what they have and to be at an uneasy peace with that. The constant raging torrent of anger and hate that thrashes through them. The way they constantly judge everyone they see around them, as if trying to find some reason they are better... some reason why their lives are ok.

At first, I was shocked... then sad... and then meh.

If this is the real world, then I like my boring, safe, predictable world where no one wants to "smash me" and I'm not constantly freaking out about seeing police cars. My boring vanilla world where people have common courtesy and are civil to each other, not because they are forced to but because they are mostly happy with life and don't see the need to be angry.

Why am I writing this? Maybe because I am not that street smart. I never knew this world existed. Truth is, I don't much care for it. I'm happy for it to be an underbelly. I personally prefer a slow cooked pork belly served with apples poached in champagne.

Sail Away Sail Away Sail Away

Life moves upwards and onwards as my friend Cathie always suggests it should. Alice tells me not to underestimate the difference I've made in the past year. Candace reminds me often that I am a good person and should stick around. Kellie says that I should be somewhere that I belong. Allison makes it clear that I am never alone as long as she is around.

My mother has always promised to be my tether to this world, no matter how lost I become. My sister's strength means I am safe from the horrors of my past. My father is always there, always.

I spent ten-ish days in Sydney, Melbourne and in-between the two on a road trip to visit a friend's future university campus. Seeing a campus with all the brilliant young minds and their hopeful eyes made me remember how much I knew the world was mine when I was their age. That hasn't been lost. There is still so much to do. Many things to try at and succeed or fail. It's all part of this journey. Turning 34 this year means I'm part way along that path but that comes with benefits of experience, knowledge and strengthening war wounds.

The recent holiday and time spent with friends in two cities that I love gave me a certainty. A knowledge that I will have to leave this safe sanctuary of Darwin and head back sooner or later.

So the plans have begun. I will be in this city for the rest of the dry season and then head off back to a semi-charmed kinda life. Until then, I'm unpacking and selling the stuff that once belonged to Giles and I. I don't need those possessions to own me anymore. He is gone. They will never be "ours" again. Holding on to them means nothing but holding on to the past.

It is time to move on. To sail away in to the sunset and await whatever life brings. Let it be love, work, friends, family and fun. I shall accept no less.

Since people keep asking, Darwin is Longitude 12° 28' S and Latitude 130° 51' E.

Just another manic Monday

The Bangles got it right when they said "It's just another manic Monday, I wish were Sunday".

We all love weekends. I can't complain about work (at least not at the moment) but I can say that returning after such a long break has resulted in one glowing, neon-signed trigger that kicks my depression in to overdrive and makes me a demon to be around. Or that is how I see it happening... and maybe some other people closer to the bomb.

The weekend comes and goes then I am left feeling refreshed and resilient. The day passes with great productivity and that cherished focus that I have been longing for over the months past. After work, I come home enthusiastic and head for the supermarket to buy food to cook for everyone who will be showing up at the house tonight. Engergised. Powerful. Happy.

Then the crash!!

When it hits around 7:30, it feels like my brain shuts down and refuses to reboot without a blue screen. Then sentences are hard to make. I try to express myself normally but the words I need don't seem to come in to my mind. From there it goes downhill...

When I am in a normal (for Mana) mood, the negative thoughts that enter my mind can be swatted like flies using the tools I've learned through therapy, talking to wise people in my life and reading. These days it is quite hard to get me in to a very negative mood. These moods are usually obviously identified by my tendency to wollow in self-pity.

On Mondays when I've started the day well due to two days of good rest and relaxation, I tend to over-exert myself. This leaves me mentally exhausted and quite unable or unwilling to use the skills I have to fend off negative thoughts. What that means is that I start to fall in to a downward spiral of negativity and self-doubt. I get paranoid that people are going to reject me. It's quite terrifying and brings out the familiar feeling of loneliness that often visits in the down times.

Last night, I lost a very good friend. He can't deal with my moods anymore. Can't blame him. At least I'm more aware that it's happening now, unlike with Giles and Ines.

The only way to fix this is to go to bed as soon as I realise it has started. Unfortunately, that takes a while. It is taking less and less time on each occasion. I make sure I eat something and then find a safe place to sleep.

Next week, my plan is to do nothing on Monday after work. Just sit and relax.

Hopefully, one day Mondays will just be another annoying day and not one that wrecks me.

Back to Basics

That's it. Sydney is a closed chapter in my life and I'm moving on to... what should be the next chapter but I'd say it's the sequel to the last book. Maybe it is coming full circle and it ending where it began, in Darwin. Or simply beginning again in the same starting point. Who knows?

What I do know is that my entire body did some sort of full-body physical exhale when I stepped out of the air-conditioned Darwin Airport on to the paved path to the car park. It was a feeling of massive relief mixed with an internal graceful step from one painful situation to an unclear but hopeful future.

Please do stick around to find out what happens next. Find me on Skype at: damanamadden

Keep in touch with me however you prefer to and don't forget me. Damanas do not like to be forgotten :o)

TTFN Darwin, I love ya!

With 48 hours left in Darwin, it's starting to register what difference this trip has made to my life. Normally, you'll hear me talking about having ups and downs but that's not a song I will be singing in this post. Visiting Darwin and my wonderful family has turned so much around for me. Don't worry, it won't turn back around on returning to Sydney. It's more of a turning point and the beginning of a new journey. A new road but not in a Comac McCarthy way :)

I read a book called Sunshine earlier this year in my current quest to read all the vampire click lit on the planet. The main character was recharged by sunshine. It was like her life force. That makes sense for all living things. For this tropical girl (me), the warmth of Darwin has healed me after a dark 6 months of winter. It's been wonderful and I recommend a visit to this beautiful, relaxed city some time in your near future.

There have been many nights hanging out with family playing board games, playing SingStar and discussing everything from the merits of chocolate to the existentialist implied responsibilities of every person to every other human being.

We've done all sorts of touristy things and stuff that I once did when I was a local. We've shopped like you wouldn't believe unless you try to carry one of my suitcases down my Mum's stairs. Nights of explosive fireworks fun to chillaxing over the water with seafood and a glass of wine while watching the red moon rise.

I feel ok about leaving and not sad because this is a great place to come back to and I will return. Thanks for everyone who has made this such a great trip.

It took a while

Those of you who read this blog have been on the rollercoaster journey of the last six months with me. It's been bad and it's been good. Today was a turning point of great importance and joy.

This morning I woke up to a text from my lovely sister asking if we were still on for our proposed trip to Crocosaurus Cove. My instant response was "Absolutely!"

This may sound like a normal answer to a normal question, on a normal Sunday but it is as different a moment as I could manage without walking around upside down and naked.

Today was the first day that I got up and got out of bed without forcing myself to. I didn’t have to say “Get up and move, Damana” this time. Instead, I felt I wanted to.

It has been well over 2 years since I can remember thinking that way at all.

I am sure there will be other bad days but today was a turning point. Tonight I sit here listening to John Hiatt singing “Have a little faith in me” and thanking all of you for having a little in faith in me. I wasn’t sure I’d ever make it to this day and I love you all for helping me get here.

Smile. I am now :o)

See pictures of today's adventure here.

Mum and the Shoe

Mum: "Mana, I used your shoe."

Me: "Just one shoe?"

Mum: "Well that's all I needed to kill the spider."

Missing

Taking 3 months off work has given me a lot of time. At first, I thought I'd fill that time to the brim with productive things. Make the most of my time off. Have a lengthy running list of all the useful stuff I had done over that time. Then I stopped.

The first 2.5 weeks of my leave of absence from work was spent sleeping and getting every possible virus going around. Apparently this happens when you stop running on adrenaline and slow your life down - your poor body crashes. Hopefully it only crashes and doesn't burn. In my case this was just a speedbump. Within no time, I was sleeping 8+ hours and eating regularly. With exercise and a conscious effort to slow my life down, things are starting to look up.

Who would have thought that slowing down was going to be so difficult?

It is difficult. It is hard. Stopping and taking the time to be mindful.

Meditation is helping. Leaving my normal environment and visiting supportive people has been encouraging.

What do I miss now?

I miss doing technical stuff - writing code and talking about technology and design.
I miss my kittehs - still in Sydney doing some human-sitting with a friend.
I miss my clothes - but I'm buying some great tropical stuff up here.

Life is wonderful.

Never Smile at a Crocodile

I went to Crocodylus Park with my Mum + Giles. It's a wildlife park near the northern suburbs of Darwin, specialising in... you guessed it... crocodiles. If global warming destroys human habitats and we are no longer the dominant species then crocs are sure to take over. I for one welcome our reptilian overlords.

This trip left me completely dehydrated and I ended up sleeping for hours to recover. It is the hottest I have been in a longest time. Remember to rehydrate regularly. I didn't and I paid the price.

Giles + Mum at Crocodylus Park

Spot the log-look-alike crocs in the big pond

Mum + Giles looking at some caged animals

... or they will be eaten

One of the giant grumpy boys who measure around 5 metres

I Wonton Eat Them

I go through stages where I cook dim sims from an old family recipe of a friend of mine. Christmas Eve needed some flava so I made 60. They were all gone in a blitz. The most popular where the ones I stuffed with chillis. Must remember that in future.

Fish n Chips at Darwin Wharf

There is nothing like the fish and chips at the wharf. The whole Madden family went out for a very good dinner in a fantastic setting at sunset. We fed our left overs to the giant bat fish who hang around waiting for the easy carbs.

The barra and chips is about $6 and is too big for a mere mortal to finish. G + I didn't get through it but the bat fish and seagulls helped. If you get to Darwin one day, do try this.

The wharf overlooks Darwin Harbour which is much bigger than Sydney Harbour but not nearly as deep. The biggest ships I've seen here are naval vessels. The Americans used to frequent this place when I lived here but they don't seem to be around at the moment.

A welcoming sign for the people who arrive in Darwin by ship

One of the Paspaley Pearls boats

Bat fish on a high carb diet

A classic Darwin sunset

A boat coming in to the harbour

Nightcliff Jetty

The Nightcliff Jetty is a haunt for Darwin youngens and it was for G + I. G lived near here and even used to swim around here. He swears the crocs will just leave you alone. I'd rather be leaving the crocodiles alone. Take the initiative to save your own life - that's my ethos.

It was a beautiful tropical day. We were able to stand on the end of the jetty and watch a huge thunder storm hammering Palmerston in the distance.

Walking down the boat ramp

Walking on the rocks near the jetty

At the start of the jetty

This is Darwin relaxed

The jetty

A storm over Palmerston, in the distance

We really were here

Looking west