Friday 24 July 2009
Life is getting pretty wonderful for me now. I smile most of the time and it's not just me hoping to become what I pretend to be anymore. The good days vastly out-number the bad ones. The bad ones aren't even days but more like hours.
Love... today I thought about what it is and realised that I don't really believe in it anymore. There are words like "forever" and "completely" and "passion" and "pain" that I have used so often and with so much faith and sincerity. There is doubt now.
Maybe love is just chemicals and lies that our brains tell us so we will have babies with some person.
If you know me well, you'll have heard me declare how much I love Love :) Loudly. Proudly. Often. But not now. It's not real. It's Sweet Valley High programming. It's for others. It's not real which is why it doesn't last... it was never there.
People are awesome! I haven't lost my faith in humanity. I still have to change the world.
This doesn't mean I'm spiraling in to another sad phase. That's just not me at the moment. I am happy and in a way that stays and lasts. Love... I just don't believe it's worth too much anymore.
Saturday 11 July 2009
With 48 hours left in Darwin, it's starting to register what difference this trip has made to my life. Normally, you'll hear me talking about having ups and downs but that's not a song I will be singing in this post. Visiting Darwin and my wonderful family has turned so much around for me. Don't worry, it won't turn back around on returning to Sydney. It's more of a turning point and the beginning of a new journey. A new road but not in a Comac McCarthy way :)
I read a book called Sunshine earlier this year in my current quest to read all the vampire click lit on the planet. The main character was recharged by sunshine. It was like her life force. That makes sense for all living things. For this tropical girl (me), the warmth of Darwin has healed me after a dark 6 months of winter. It's been wonderful and I recommend a visit to this beautiful, relaxed city some time in your near future.
There have been many nights hanging out with family playing board games, playing SingStar and discussing everything from the merits of chocolate to the existentialist implied responsibilities of every person to every other human being.
We've done all sorts of touristy things and stuff that I once did when I was a local. We've shopped like you wouldn't believe unless you try to carry one of my suitcases down my Mum's stairs. Nights of explosive fireworks fun to chillaxing over the water with seafood and a glass of wine while watching the red moon rise.
I feel ok about leaving and not sad because this is a great place to come back to and I will return. Thanks for everyone who has made this such a great trip.
Monday 6 July 2009
There are many things that are important to me that have been neglected in the last few years. One of those things is learning about the way that other people live and understanding the challenges that we all face day to day.
This evening, my mother received a worrying call from our family in Papua New Guinea about a sick family member. I'm not here to talk about that person as it is a personal story owned by them but it did start a revealing conversation with my family here in Darwin.
It started as we sat around the dining table and I probed and questioned what my home land is now like and why everything seems so broken there. My family visit there often and are always in touch with what is going on. As for me, I have not visited the country I was born in since 1997. A lot of it was to do with the fact that I was discouraged by my partner at the time to reject that side of me but I honestly can't blame anyone for the neglect and lack of knowledge. This is something I want to rectify from now on.
Papua New Guinea is an amazing country with a rich history, beautiful varying terrain and 4+ million inhabitants with thousands of languages and different different cultures. The latter is what makes the turmoil currently occurring there, a little easier to understand. At least after an explanation from people who have been watching it happen since before PNG independence.
The health system is a mess. Medication imported for use in hospitals is stolen and turns up in chemists or on the black market. Doctors send people home to die knowing that they can not do anything to help since basic equipment and medication aren't available. There is a ward in a Port Moresby hospital and if you are admitted there then they have decided you are going to die. It isn't that the doctors and medical staff don't want to help but more that they simply can't at that point. People fear hospitals because if a condition is bad enough to send you to hospital then it means you will go in and never come out.
A friend of our family has cancer and is slowly and painfully waiting to die because there is no cancer treatment in PNG. His family once spent a whole night driving around just to find some Panadol for him to take since there was nothing else they can do.
Of course, this is all based on stories I hear from different people. I'm unable to confirm it without visiting myself and seeing it first hand but this sure has made me want to. Take it all with a grain of salt. This is something I want to see for myself and understand. I want to know why there is so much corruption in a country that takes one quarter of the aid budget of Australia each year. Where is the money going? Why are resources being squandered?
Everyone is aware of the problems being experienced by African nations but we seem to be ignorant of the problems in our own backyard. Is the South Pacific falling apart right under our noses? I've been ignorant and I want to find out more.
Those of you who read this blog have been on the rollercoaster journey of the last six months with me. It's been bad and it's been good. Today was a turning point of great importance and joy.
This morning I woke up to a text from my lovely sister asking if we were still on for our proposed trip to Crocosaurus Cove. My instant response was "Absolutely!"
This may sound like a normal answer to a normal question, on a normal Sunday but it is as different a moment as I could manage without walking around upside down and naked.
Today was the first day that I got up and got out of bed without forcing myself to. I didn’t have to say “Get up and move, Damana” this time. Instead, I felt I wanted to.
It has been well over 2 years since I can remember thinking that way at all.
I am sure there will be other bad days but today was a turning point. Tonight I sit here listening to John Hiatt singing “Have a little faith in me” and thanking all of you for having a little in faith in me. I wasn’t sure I’d ever make it to this day and I love you all for helping me get here.
Smile. I am now :o)
See pictures of today's adventure here.