Friday, 4 January 2013
The other day, I posted this on facebook...
The world seems a little odd when I'm the emotionally stable one in a relationship or the less dramatic friend in a friendship or the person less likely to pike on an appointment.
It is possible that I have entered an alternate universe.
... and boy, does it feel true.
There was a massive revelation to myself at this point. It was that every time some speed bump happens in life, I've been looking to myself as the cause. Always wondering what I did wrong this time and searching for a way to fix it.
The revelation is that I am not often the cause of the drama these days. I have my moments. I'll always be the centre of some kind of attention but now I realise that others cause it too. Not just me or at least not me every single time.
What a fantastic way to start the year. Yes, sometimes I am a right diva. No, I am not always the troubled soul.
Wednesday, 2 January 2013
It is probably best I live on the top floor of my eight story building because I never draw the curtains closed. I have never really seen the point to it.
In the day, I like the cleansing sunlight. In the night, I like the calming dark. The dawn brings me slowly to wake and the dusk shares a glass of wine.
Maybe my opposing neighbours know too much about me. Maybe. Who cares?
Does it indicate something about a person when they like to control what is let in and what is kept out?
Even if no one ever looks in due to fences or trees or lack of interest. Maybe the closing is to commit to complete dark or complete light. A binary setting. A semaphore even, with the half open - half closed option.
Then there are those see through curtains that let you leave the curtain open but cut the insight. What does that mean. Is that making it all about hiding or is it all about light?
Maybe curtains aren't the eyes to the soul but I'm starting to think that it is reflective of how much some are willing to share and how much some couldn't care less.
I don't draw the curtains.
When I left home, I went to you. I remember that you weren't always cold. There were nights when you were so warm that neither of us slept a wink.
In 2006 we were at our happiest. My 30th birthday. Dancing lessons. A wedding. So many friends.
And then something broke.
Sydney came between us. My depression didn't help. You weren't there for me but then again... maybe I left you and that added to me breaking. You were always there. I mean, you existed but we were not together. Both alive and breathing but not together. Maybe there were days when we saw each other again or reconnected. Hell! There were entire weekends. It didn't stop the separation though.
When it got bad, I felt you had gone forever and that nothing could ever change the memories that then pained me so much. My escape to Darwin or my exile to the north was necessary. You were thousands of miles away and didn't so much as show you cared.
I spoke of other loves, of Darwin and Sydney and places that you weren't.
In 2011, when I thought I'd healed, I ventured back to the start. To that cold place. Us. It was not until 2012 that the memories were rewritten and you no longer made me cry. In fact, I could think of you and smile.
Sometimes I still hate you. Sometimes I still can't stand how cold you get. Sometimes I smile because we knew each other so well and that is coming back.
Thank you for coming back in to my life.
Thank you, Canberra. I am glad I am here and that we are back together.
Yours for now,
Tuesday, 1 January 2013
Yes, today is the first day of 2013. A new year.
We are however still in the Chinese year of the Water Dragon.
I was born in the August, 1976. That is the year of the Fire Dragon. It is an extremely lucky sign to be born under. Every 12 years, there is a year of the Dragon and I amuse myself with how lucky I will be that year.
Now, I'm not saying I believe that I am one of twelve types of people. Leos never believe in that stuff :)
What I am saying is that since I believe it is my year and that my year will be full of luck, that gives me a positive view of the year. Maybe I subconsciously approach it in a different way that makes me a little bolder (yes, it is possible). Then I boldly go where no Mana has gone before.
As a Fire Dragon in the year of the Water Dragon, I knew it would get steamy and it did.
The year was full of winning moments. There was so much propulsion that many things happened that I had to stop and take in later.
Today as I sat in the Jolly Mont Centre waiting with a good friend catching a Murray's bus home after visiting me in Canberra, I joked about being easily amused by silly jokes and small wins. I said that I would always be happy because it didn't take much to make me so.
That is a key to happiness. Not needing something giant or overly important or drop dead hilarious to make your day. Laughing at myself and wonderful little moments is a sign that this dragon has enjoyed the steamy year.
In the upcoming year of the Water Snake, I shall let my Fire Dragon embrace the eel like year which is said to be the best year in which to start again.
I choose to start a new chapter and make it the best one so far.