I'm going to be honest with you. If you get no other consistency from me, you will always have my honesty.
Last night was a good night and an awful night. It started well with arrangements to see almost all my favourite people in Sydney. It ended badly when I lost it with four of my best friends and told them I could not be friends with them anymore.
I'm a drama queen on my calmest of days and with only a little provocation. Late last night, I was a bloody diva on steroids.
What triggered it all was finding out that these four people had regularly seen my ex at outings and never ever said a word to me about it. They had all decided that it was best to not tell me because it would just upset me. Damn right it upsets me but not because they hang with my ex. It upset me because it showed that none of them thought me strong enough for them to be honest with me.
I am a honest person. I love that all those people out there are protecting me from myself and acknowledging fragility on my part but the truth is that I am doing ok.
So I hate that my ex husband went and joined my old workplace of two years and now jetsets around the world drinking and working with people who I introduced him to. It upsets me that he comes across to the world as the reasonable one and I am the wild crazy bitch.
We were together for over a decade. We were married. When he told me he was leaving me, he stayed six more weeks before he moved out. In that time, he systematically broke me down so that I would not have any self worth by the time he left. My family and close friends at the time saw this. They picked me up and stayed with me when I was not allowed to be on my own at all. When I was a danger to myself.
So yes, I do not like that man but to be honest he simply does not matter anymore. There is no scenario in the world where I would welcome him back in to my life as even a friend. He knows that. I know that.
So I cut off four of my best mates. Along with Rob's silence and their absence, I am all alone again. I'm tough though. I've got my family still. There is this online place that has people I can't see. I will continue to blog for them.
What happens next? I do what Mum taught me: Pick yourself up, brush yourself off and move on.
2 comments:
Hey Mana, you're not alone, you've got friends here who care about you.
You'll always have me as friend no matter how "diva"ish you are.
Hi Mana
I'm not too sure how I came across your blog but I'm glad I did. Your brutal honesty is as heart breaking as it is beautiful and makes we wish when I was going through my 'dark days' I was as courageous to be as open. The best gift that was given to me was from my mother who told me, "just take it one day at a time and one day it won't hurt so much". By focusing on one day at a time helped me to stop feeling so overwhelmed and bewildered at how I was possibly going to make it through. And I must admit there were times I had to take it hour-by-hour. I know I'm a stranger but I hope there comes a day when like me you read someone else's personal blog post and see a part of your old self and feel compelled to reach out because you want them to know that it gets better.
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