No one else can advise you on what you have to do as a depressed person, to recover from the funk you are in beit passing or constant. You have to find that balance or focus or whatever it is, yourself. You are not alone though. People will help you. Other people do understand you. You must talk to them and sometimes let them talk to you.
For me, a realisation dawned last night that made me feel much better than I have in a long time. I did not beat myself up or think horrible things about myself. The words "useless" and "abandoned" didn't enter my mind at all until thinking of writing this blog. It's not because I somehow realised they weren't true. Of course they aren't. That's the depression pushing the painful thoughts to the front and burying the positive ones in a black sticky ooze at the back of my brain.
This realisation was that I have to stop thinking I am selfish and actually be selfish. Most of my day is spent trying to work out how the hell I can make everyone else feel better about having to put up with me. How taxing I am on all those around me. How it is a matter of time before they all leave me and I am abandoned and alone.
Screw it. If it happens, it happens. If they leave, I make new friends. If there are no more people in the world left to be my friends, I'll get a damn dog. If the dog leaves, I'll get a fish. If the fish jumps on to the carpet and commits ritual suicide rather than be with me then I'll start Internet dating.
See! There is always some kind of alternative when fit hits the shan. People come and people go. They call me all sorts of stuff and most of the time they are right, at least with the information they have. I can't think of them at the moment. When I'm strong and able to stand alone without rocking then I'll start prioritising others. For now, it's work and me. Work so that I can afford the time to look after me.
Me. Me. Me.
For once in my life, I'm going to stop joking about only thinking of me and do it.
See you all on the other side of this "getting better crap". Or, see none of you. Whatev...