Important info for life

19

Things are looking up

Watching the world and the birds go by, with my little friend Siena.

Change

They say a change is a good as a holiday. This time I found that a holiday was as good as change. The only thing was that returning to _normal_ life showed me that I needed something new. Maybe it's a new approach or a new focus. Maybe it's a change of scenery and a new challenge.

Since it's almost Spring in beautiful Sydney, this is the perfect moment for it.

I used to worry when I made decisions that whatever I chose, someone would end up disappointed in me. Now, my only concern is making sure that I'm not disappointed in me.

That is most certainly a change for the better.

There are schemes afoot and adventures to be had. Life is too short to not take chances. Wish me well and forgive me if the choice I made would not have been yours.

Words and Succulents

No one depresses me quite like Ayn Rand

“She stood, in a room of crumbling plaster, pressed to the window-pane, looking up at the unattainable form of everything she loved. She did not know the nature of her loneliness. The only words that named it were: This is not the world I expected.”

- Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged

Under my umbrella-ella-ella

Thanks to my wonderful musical friends for the perfect SingStar birthday party.

I was always here to catch you

Life is getting pretty wonderful for me now. I smile most of the time and it's not just me hoping to become what I pretend to be anymore. The good days vastly out-number the bad ones. The bad ones aren't even days but more like hours.

Love... today I thought about what it is and realised that I don't really believe in it anymore. There are words like "forever" and "completely" and "passion" and "pain" that I have used so often and with so much faith and sincerity. There is doubt now.

Maybe love is just chemicals and lies that our brains tell us so we will have babies with some person.

If you know me well, you'll have heard me declare how much I love Love :) Loudly. Proudly. Often. But not now. It's not real. It's Sweet Valley High programming. It's for others. It's not real which is why it doesn't last... it was never there.

People are awesome! I haven't lost my faith in humanity. I still have to change the world.

This doesn't mean I'm spiraling in to another sad phase. That's just not me at the moment. I am happy and in a way that stays and lasts. Love... I just don't believe it's worth too much anymore.

TTFN Darwin, I love ya!

With 48 hours left in Darwin, it's starting to register what difference this trip has made to my life. Normally, you'll hear me talking about having ups and downs but that's not a song I will be singing in this post. Visiting Darwin and my wonderful family has turned so much around for me. Don't worry, it won't turn back around on returning to Sydney. It's more of a turning point and the beginning of a new journey. A new road but not in a Comac McCarthy way :)

I read a book called Sunshine earlier this year in my current quest to read all the vampire click lit on the planet. The main character was recharged by sunshine. It was like her life force. That makes sense for all living things. For this tropical girl (me), the warmth of Darwin has healed me after a dark 6 months of winter. It's been wonderful and I recommend a visit to this beautiful, relaxed city some time in your near future.

There have been many nights hanging out with family playing board games, playing SingStar and discussing everything from the merits of chocolate to the existentialist implied responsibilities of every person to every other human being.

We've done all sorts of touristy things and stuff that I once did when I was a local. We've shopped like you wouldn't believe unless you try to carry one of my suitcases down my Mum's stairs. Nights of explosive fireworks fun to chillaxing over the water with seafood and a glass of wine while watching the red moon rise.

I feel ok about leaving and not sad because this is a great place to come back to and I will return. Thanks for everyone who has made this such a great trip.

Bollywood He-Man

Picasso paints with light

In 1949, Picasso painted in light for Life magazine. I've never seen the pictures before. They are beautiful and look just like his art. I had to share it.

A beautiful broken place

There are many things that are important to me that have been neglected in the last few years. One of those things is learning about the way that other people live and understanding the challenges that we all face day to day.

This evening, my mother received a worrying call from our family in Papua New Guinea about a sick family member. I'm not here to talk about that person as it is a personal story owned by them but it did start a revealing conversation with my family here in Darwin.

It started as we sat around the dining table and I probed and questioned what my home land is now like and why everything seems so broken there. My family visit there often and are always in touch with what is going on. As for me, I have not visited the country I was born in since 1997. A lot of it was to do with the fact that I was discouraged by my partner at the time to reject that side of me but I honestly can't blame anyone for the neglect and lack of knowledge. This is something I want to rectify from now on.

Papua New Guinea is an amazing country with a rich history, beautiful varying terrain and 4+ million inhabitants with thousands of languages and different different cultures. The latter is what makes the turmoil currently occurring there, a little easier to understand. At least after an explanation from people who have been watching it happen since before PNG independence.

The health system is a mess. Medication imported for use in hospitals is stolen and turns up in chemists or on the black market. Doctors send people home to die knowing that they can not do anything to help since basic equipment and medication aren't available. There is a ward in a Port Moresby hospital and if you are admitted there then they have decided you are going to die. It isn't that the doctors and medical staff don't want to help but more that they simply can't at that point. People fear hospitals because if a condition is bad enough to send you to hospital then it means you will go in and never come out.

A friend of our family has cancer and is slowly and painfully waiting to die because there is no cancer treatment in PNG. His family once spent a whole night driving around just to find some Panadol for him to take since there was nothing else they can do.

Of course, this is all based on stories I hear from different people. I'm unable to confirm it without visiting myself and seeing it first hand but this sure has made me want to. Take it all with a grain of salt. This is something I want to see for myself and understand. I want to know why there is so much corruption in a country that takes one quarter of the aid budget of Australia each year. Where is the money going? Why are resources being squandered?

Everyone is aware of the problems being experienced by African nations but we seem to be ignorant of the problems in our own backyard. Is the South Pacific falling apart right under our noses? I've been ignorant and I want to find out more.

Stay tuned.

Me as a lolcat...

It took a while

Those of you who read this blog have been on the rollercoaster journey of the last six months with me. It's been bad and it's been good. Today was a turning point of great importance and joy.

This morning I woke up to a text from my lovely sister asking if we were still on for our proposed trip to Crocosaurus Cove. My instant response was "Absolutely!"

This may sound like a normal answer to a normal question, on a normal Sunday but it is as different a moment as I could manage without walking around upside down and naked.

Today was the first day that I got up and got out of bed without forcing myself to. I didn’t have to say “Get up and move, Damana” this time. Instead, I felt I wanted to.

It has been well over 2 years since I can remember thinking that way at all.

I am sure there will be other bad days but today was a turning point. Tonight I sit here listening to John Hiatt singing “Have a little faith in me” and thanking all of you for having a little in faith in me. I wasn’t sure I’d ever make it to this day and I love you all for helping me get here.

Smile. I am now :o)

See pictures of today's adventure here.

Mum and the Shoe

Mum: "Mana, I used your shoe."

Me: "Just one shoe?"

Mum: "Well that's all I needed to kill the spider."

Tristram and Chiara

This week, my soon to be ex-brother-in-law Tristram and an old friend Chiara are going to get married. They are a lovely couple and will be perfect together. Giles and his whole family have gone to their wedding in Italy. I always imagined I'd be celebrating that fabulous moment with them but I am left behind.

I wonder if Giles will sit there and listen to their vows and smirk at how they meant nothing to him.

If you fall in love and you get married, remember that forever is just that. There are good times and bad times. You work on being there for eachother and remember the love that ignited it all. Don't make promises you can't keep. These are not just words. They are a binding vow.

In sickness and in health.

I'll smile as I think of those two lovely people tying the knot. They deserve a happy life with beautiful children. I wish them all the joy in the world.

Remember the time

On Twitter and Facebook, people are saying RIP Michael Jackson but I have nothing to say. There doesn't really seem to be a good way to express how shocked and sad I am about the King of Pop dying.

It's hard to explain to people who didn't grow up from day zero with Michael Jackson's music as a soundtrack to their lives, what impact he actually had. Unfortunately, most people only really remember his HIStory album and the crazy antics, operations and law suits to follow. To be honest, I don't remember him fondly after those events.

The important thing is to separate the man from the music. The music is the soundtrack of my life. At least the years as I was growing up.

My Mum used to play ABC by the Jackson 5, when we were learning to walk. My sister and I continued to dance to the Jackson 5 during our jazz ballet lessons, for years. We listened as we learned to moonwalk.

My family is still friends with the family that lived next door to us in 1984 when we first watched Thriller on TV.

BAD gave me the song Man In The Mirror, which is a song that told me how to do my bit to change the world. I still listen to it regularly.

HIStory was the round-up of that era for me. Black or White was the last song of his I loved and I still know every single word to it.

Today is a sad day. The end of an amazingly talented life.

Missing

Taking 3 months off work has given me a lot of time. At first, I thought I'd fill that time to the brim with productive things. Make the most of my time off. Have a lengthy running list of all the useful stuff I had done over that time. Then I stopped.

The first 2.5 weeks of my leave of absence from work was spent sleeping and getting every possible virus going around. Apparently this happens when you stop running on adrenaline and slow your life down - your poor body crashes. Hopefully it only crashes and doesn't burn. In my case this was just a speedbump. Within no time, I was sleeping 8+ hours and eating regularly. With exercise and a conscious effort to slow my life down, things are starting to look up.

Who would have thought that slowing down was going to be so difficult?

It is difficult. It is hard. Stopping and taking the time to be mindful.

Meditation is helping. Leaving my normal environment and visiting supportive people has been encouraging.

What do I miss now?

I miss doing technical stuff - writing code and talking about technology and design.
I miss my kittehs - still in Sydney doing some human-sitting with a friend.
I miss my clothes - but I'm buying some great tropical stuff up here.

Life is wonderful.

Distrubing window display

There is a shop that sells textiles (I think) in Surry Hills called Bird. A few nights ago, I walked passed it and was quite thrown by it's window display. It makes me not want to go in there at all, ever.

He whispers to me...

He whispers to me that everything is ok and I believe him.

Why I am taking a leave of absence

After hearing gossip from work and rumours amongst friends, I thought I might as well explicitly state why I have chosen to take a leave of absence from work.

Firstly, it was my choice. It was not something that was pushed on to me by anyone. It was not an alternative to being fired. That is a load of utter rubbish and anyone who knows me, knows that. Those kinds of rumours might be wishful thinking on the part of people who won't miss having me around. Sorry to disappoint :)

2009 has been a year of downs and downs and downs but it is finally looking up.

My marriage ended after 11.5 years together. I didn't cope well with that. I'm coping better now.

It was time to slow my life down and actually work out who the hell I am as a person, on my own. I have a pretty good idea and am heading in the right direction now.

It was time to stop trying to juggle the stresses of life, work and health and stop letting others and myself down. I'm prioritising health now. Connecting with my good friends and my lovely family is a close second.

Life has been moving at one hundred miles an hour since I left university, or even before that. It's not time to go out with a bang. Burning out is not taken seriously in our industry. It's simply time to breathe and find my stride again.

After such a long time, I am happy again :)