Selfishness is a side effect

I sat down with my boss today and received an insight that changed the entire way I see a situation and how I will approach it from now on.

Instead of thinking I was the cause of a situation, I can now accept that what I'm experiencing has nothing to do with me.

Without giving any detail, all I can say is that it was a "well duh!" moment.

Often I look to myself to understand why something adverse is happening to me. Other times, I'm just completely selfish and think the world revolves around me :)

Talking to people is a good way to understand a situation when I've come up with no reasons of my own. Must remember that.

Getting Back Up Again

It is raining in Canberra as I write this. Having grown up in the tropics, rain to me is warm and welcoming. It washes away the day and pushes back the heat. This feels like the right time to sit down and take in the last few months.

As one of the most stressful episodes of my life comes to an end, I am learning to accept that I can survive pretty much anything that life throws at me. I can survive it and not fall apart.

The thing is that surviving doesn't mean that I prospered during that time. It doesn't mean I felt happy every second. It doesn't mean I smiled and was thankful for what got me there.

There is a powerful myth in our society that dictates that happiness is something we must feel 100% of the time and if we aren't then something is wrong. That is wrong and causes a lot of self-doubt when people have a bad time. They tend to think that any emotion that isn't under-pinned by happiness is a fractured and bruised existence.

Feeling other emotions is not a failing. It is life. It is normal.

As long as there is a general happiness and more good moments than bad then I am satisfied that my life is going well.

In July, I experienced something that no woman should ever have to face. I found myself in a position that I never expected and realised that those who were obliged to protect me were unwilling to do so. That shook my view of work and life and people, in general.

The following weeks saw me slow my life down and finally stand still, in some hope that everything would stop spinning. The weeks lead to months and I didn't start working again until one week ago.

It isn't easy for anyone to not work for that long but if I hadn't had that time to rest and recover, I wouldn't be so energised and ecstatic about what I find myself doing now. Burn-out from over work and the horror of July meant that I spent weeks at my parent's house sleeping and trying to get my brain going again.

It wasn't like when I had severe clinical depression. It was nothing like that actually. There were shitty moments but it never felt so hopeless like falling in to a bottomless pit. It was tough though and there were nights for months where I slept with the lights on in my bedroom or didn't sleep until the Sun came up. For some reason, day time seemed safer. That or I was becoming a vampire. I do sparkle.

Anyone who has been through really bad patches will tell you that being in a rut isn't the most horrible part. The being in it part is something you can accept as what you are going through. It is falling in and climbing out that are the most challenging moments. No, not moments. Moments are short and fleeting. These are periods of time and everything slows down like when you stack a push bike and see the ground coming at you.

Right now, I am climbing out. Back at work and thriving as part of a real team where I feel I belong. I'm not allowed to work more than 40 hours a week which leaves me 20 more hours for life that the last job didn't. Yeah, no more 240 hour months.

Restabilising takes time. My new routine is being established. My old friends and new colleagues and awesome family and wonderful social circle are helping me bound back to a semblance of a normal life. Soon it will actually be a normal life. Accepting that I am no longer tripping on every tree root as I run blindly from the wolves is not as easy as I'd hoped. I keep checking for the wolves when a granny with a chin walks by. Sometimes, I even lose it and say I'll just give up and not participate anymore but I wake up the next day and I do.

So, I'm getting there. There are so many people I have to take aside and thank for holding my head above water. There are others who don't deserve to be mentioned or even to have a thought wasted on them. They don't matter. Only the good ones do.

And I'm a good one too. Just one who is trying to get the rhythm back in my life.

Like Wil Wheaton said...

There are a million blog posts in my head, at any one time. There are geek ones. There are life ones. There are things I know will be written and never published. There are things that should be written but they will forever ride the neurons, never to become anything other than bubbles on the surf.

On Thursday, I was thinking about how much I enjoy my current job and wondering what makes it different to the places I have been in over the last few years.

Having worked with the best of my generation, on projects that challenged us; bored us; and always taught us something, it is interesting to find a place I like to be in the midst of a big country town.

Then I read Wil Wheaton's post about winning the actor lottery and that summed it up for me too.

If you can get up each morning and look forward to work because your colleagues challenge and teach you while making you laugh until the tears seep from your eyes then that is a good job. When you know that everything you achieve in a day is helping your client do their job better or soon will be then that is a good job. When there is no stupid office politics because people just want to get their jobs done and do them well, alongside you then that is a good job.

It has been a long time since that has been fully satisfied.

Life is fun. Your attitude helps but being around positive and intelligent people helps too.

The huge difference between now and before is that my attitude is different. I don't sweat the little things. I like life. I like people. It takes a lot to stop me from smiling.

The other big variable is people. I finally work with really great people. They are secure, decent, kind, driven, pragmatic, experienced and professional.

If you want to come and work for us then do let me know. I guess I ask only one thing and it's another thing Wil Wheaton says... "Don't be a dick."

Closure

Today was one of those perfect Sydney summer days. Up early and with all my chores done by midday, I spent a few hours chilling on the couch and taking in the peace around me.

Fingers crossed, I'll be starting a new job soon and the next chapter of life starts. It's time for it. I'm excited and happy. This is the way I want life to be.

Goodbye to some things and hello to new ones. Goodbye to old friends and hello to new ones.

Life is pretty awesome.

Faith

People have dreams. Some people will realise them and do amazing things. Others will fear failure and not even try. The one thing that I do know about successful people is that they had faith in themselves, even when others lost faith in them.

When you know you are here to do something great then do not let anyone else tell you that you can not. There are many people who will give advice and warn you of the risks but they are your risks to take.

Be brave. Have faith in yourself.

When you simply need me

My good friend David K sent me this picture of a printer at his work. Awse!

Chickens

Olga: I can't stand KFC.
Me: I won't eat their chicken because their chickens eat their chickens.
Olga: Yuck.
Me: I thought chickens were herbivores or whatever a vegetarian bird is called.
Olga: Maybe they are like vegetarians that still eat chicken.

Just another manic Monday

The Bangles got it right when they said "It's just another manic Monday, I wish were Sunday".

We all love weekends. I can't complain about work (at least not at the moment) but I can say that returning after such a long break has resulted in one glowing, neon-signed trigger that kicks my depression in to overdrive and makes me a demon to be around. Or that is how I see it happening... and maybe some other people closer to the bomb.

The weekend comes and goes then I am left feeling refreshed and resilient. The day passes with great productivity and that cherished focus that I have been longing for over the months past. After work, I come home enthusiastic and head for the supermarket to buy food to cook for everyone who will be showing up at the house tonight. Engergised. Powerful. Happy.

Then the crash!!

When it hits around 7:30, it feels like my brain shuts down and refuses to reboot without a blue screen. Then sentences are hard to make. I try to express myself normally but the words I need don't seem to come in to my mind. From there it goes downhill...

When I am in a normal (for Mana) mood, the negative thoughts that enter my mind can be swatted like flies using the tools I've learned through therapy, talking to wise people in my life and reading. These days it is quite hard to get me in to a very negative mood. These moods are usually obviously identified by my tendency to wollow in self-pity.

On Mondays when I've started the day well due to two days of good rest and relaxation, I tend to over-exert myself. This leaves me mentally exhausted and quite unable or unwilling to use the skills I have to fend off negative thoughts. What that means is that I start to fall in to a downward spiral of negativity and self-doubt. I get paranoid that people are going to reject me. It's quite terrifying and brings out the familiar feeling of loneliness that often visits in the down times.

Last night, I lost a very good friend. He can't deal with my moods anymore. Can't blame him. At least I'm more aware that it's happening now, unlike with Giles and Ines.

The only way to fix this is to go to bed as soon as I realise it has started. Unfortunately, that takes a while. It is taking less and less time on each occasion. I make sure I eat something and then find a safe place to sleep.

Next week, my plan is to do nothing on Monday after work. Just sit and relax.

Hopefully, one day Mondays will just be another annoying day and not one that wrecks me.

Why I am taking a leave of absence

After hearing gossip from work and rumours amongst friends, I thought I might as well explicitly state why I have chosen to take a leave of absence from work.

Firstly, it was my choice. It was not something that was pushed on to me by anyone. It was not an alternative to being fired. That is a load of utter rubbish and anyone who knows me, knows that. Those kinds of rumours might be wishful thinking on the part of people who won't miss having me around. Sorry to disappoint :)

2009 has been a year of downs and downs and downs but it is finally looking up.

My marriage ended after 11.5 years together. I didn't cope well with that. I'm coping better now.

It was time to slow my life down and actually work out who the hell I am as a person, on my own. I have a pretty good idea and am heading in the right direction now.

It was time to stop trying to juggle the stresses of life, work and health and stop letting others and myself down. I'm prioritising health now. Connecting with my good friends and my lovely family is a close second.

Life has been moving at one hundred miles an hour since I left university, or even before that. It's not time to go out with a bang. Burning out is not taken seriously in our industry. It's simply time to breathe and find my stride again.

After such a long time, I am happy again :)

Love Letter

I received a love letter from members of my project team :) It came with this great photo. I love 'em back. Thanks!!

Don't blame it on the sunshine

Giles + I spent a pretty awesome weekend on the Gold Coast for the TorchWood annual away day - TW Australia Team Hug. We left Sydney on Friday at lunch time and returned on Sunday evening. In between, we had drinks and canapes on Friday evening with ThoughtWorkers from all over the country and some international guests streaming in. I met some cool people who I've only dreamt of meeting and met a few who might be worth avoiding.

See lots of pictures here!

On Saturday, I spent most of the day in a small room listening to my colleagues rant at me, at the conference. It was kind of like a normal work day but with less typing :) G spent the day drinking, eating and hanging by the pool with the partners (behind every great tw'er is a far more interesting partner but I never said that). Saturday night was spent at Dream World which was open only to us and those poor suckers locked in the Big Brother house. There were rides, food, awards for me being loud and well known and lots of dancing. There was even a strange groupie moment with Darci and I but let's not spread that one.

The night only went insane after that - lines of vodka shots; graduates lit on fire; eviction from hotel rooms after some very good cupboard hiding; and many more things that must remain as internal news only.

Did I drink the kool-aid? Not totally but I do like the cult members a lot more after hanging out with them. Don't blame it on the sunshine, don't blame it on the moonlight, blame it on the boogie.

On the bus about to leave for Sydney airport and the Gold Coast

The Chairman and the Chicken

Wait to register

Serious guys at the morning retro

Darci Potter and her friends

Birdies!

Duck!

Giles on one of the many bridges at the resort

Relaxing by the pool

Relaxing and waiting for the bus... come on, there had to be a self-portrait!

Say it with flowers

Thursday was not a great day for me. It was stressful, long and challenging. If I was to print my mood on a t-shirt at that moment, it would have said unappreciated. The fantabulous Gui Girl (cape and all) made me this beautiful flower out of sticky notes and stuck it to my monitors :)

What a perfectly lovely and thoughtful thing to do. My day immediately improve. What a star!

Thanks Linz :)

The Amazing Flying Falling Floating Ball

This ball floats on the vents of our portable airconditioner at work...

Jacked Up @ Work

This is how they keep us energised at work. It's completely full of lollies and locked every night.

2007 TorchWood Christmas Party

Saturday night was the a night of big celebrating for several huge reasons. Firstly, it was the Thoughtworks Sydney + Brisbane 2007 Christmas party which was held on boat called the Vagabond Princess on the harbour. The second reason is that Australia tossed out that bloody tyrant gnome John Howard in such a final way that he will not be showing his nasty little face around here forever more. Yay!

Sitting down for dinner

The Christmas party was 5 hours on a harbour cruise with Brazilian dancers, laser shooting and lots of drunk ThoughtWorkers :) It was fun! The food was good. The shooting was fun even though I didn't hit a thing and the people were lovely.

Boys shootin' stuff



The obligatory conga line

I'm Queen of the world! Thanks to Giles for helping me break in to this area of the boat

Giles with the city in the background

Planes and Pains

Singapore airport - Gate 57

For an Immersion/Cultural-Reorientation for my company, I left Sydney on my Bollywood adventure. A car picked me up at 8:30am Friday morning and took me to Sydney's international airport. It only took 45 mins from home to the point where I was through customs. That was much faster than I expected.

Singapore Airlines are good on space and food but I don't see the big deal with their service. Maybe all flight attendants hate me because the service doesn't ever impress me.

It took 8 and a bit hours to get to Singapore and the whole time was spent with the American version of Kenny the toilet guy. This guy was Rudy, who was an engineer specialising in plane toilets. He was in Sydney for the A380 landing there. His job was to give support if it was needed. I didn't go digging for details. He talked a lot. Mostly about himself. He used the most amazingly stupid pickup lines on the flight attendants. It actually worked too. He was telling a nun who was getting off the plane with us that he had to stay back to make plans with one of the "lovely ladies". Lucky me.

Singapore airport was clean, warm and like a racetrack with all the speeding golf buggies that the zoom around carrying staff. Apparently there is a spa so I'm heading there on the trip back.

Induction Taps

This was an odd sight that greeted me at the hotel I stayed at in Melbourne.

One of these taps is just like the other

Sniff me out like I was Tanqueray

Tomorrow is my first trip for the new ThoughtWorks job. It's time to fly off to Melbourne for an induction. No idea what it entails but I do know it's in Melbourne because a new guy is starting in Melbourne and they thought they could do both our inductions at the same time. It sounds like fun and a helluva good reason to shoe shop... although it is only 2 days and I might not have enough time.

There is a car coming to pick me up at 6:45am so I guess I should pack something before I crash tonight. It is funky that TorchWood lets us get the frequent flyer points for all our trips. In the Commonwealth government, they called it rorting the system and wouldn't let us. I don't see how it is but public servants are strangled by their own red tape on the best of days. It's not their fault. There are just a lot of really pointless rules.

Here are some of the stupider rules I have had to comply with as a contractor to the .gov.au master:

• Public servants and contractors can not claim frequent flyer points on your personal account when traveling on tickets paid for by the Government;
• As a contractor you are not allowed to attend department events intended to motivate public servants, even if you don't bill for the hours;
• Contractors birthdays are not celebrated but public servants' are. This went for contractors who had been there for a week up to more than a decade. No exceptions;
• Contractors can not get official passports. G had to travel for a department he contracted to. He applied for an official passport on short notice but was automatically rejected because they wouldn't give an official passport to a contractor. He asked for his personal passport back that was being used in his security clearance application, in order to travel on that. They said no because he was not allowed to travel on a personal passport for official business. In the end they saw the deadlock and he got his official passport;
• Contractors can not be the fire warden for a floor in a government building. Maybe they thought we'd just let the damn unreasonable public servants burn :o)
  

Note : Different departments had different rules. These apply to my 8 years contracting to many departments. Each with their own quirks.

TorchWood

For those of you who don't know, I've been going through the long and involved interview process that belongs to a company I had code named TorchWood. If you haven't guessed yet, they are ThoughtWorks.

The process was:

1. submit a customised CV;
2. 45 minute phone interview;
3. 3 day coding test at home;
4. an IQ test;
5. logic test;
6. personality "survey";
7. cultural interview;
8. whiteboarding technical interview;
9. paired programming interview; and
10. final interview with management.
    

This took less than two weeks and could have gone faster if I wanted it to. The process was enjoyable, challenging and fair. Today, I recieved the official offer from them and a t-shirt. It was the t-shirt and purple folder that made me say yes to their offer in the end :o)

Next week I'm off to Melbourne for a two day induction and the week after will see me spending two weeks participating in their Immersion process in Bangalore, India. Sounds a little like a cult :o) We call ourselves ThoughtWorkers.

Iron Chef Australia

When I was a kid and a teenager, I wanted to be a chef. Anyone who knows me knows that food is more than a passion for me. Cooking, eating, drinking and buying food is a religion.

I am thinking of dropping out of IT and becoming a lowly potato pealing chef. We all have to start somewhere again. Someone once told me we change careers three times in our lives. This will be my second.

The reason I didn't become a chef was because a guidance counselor told me I had to drop out after year 10 to get a traineeship and that I could not finish high school. Finishing was not up for negotiation for me so I gave up that dream.